“Your levels on all of your tests are great, you are strong and muscular…..I’m sure you don’t want to hear this from me.”

My nutritionist said, “Me, weighing all of 128 pounds.”

She continued.

“You are happy, you are healthy, and there are worse things in life than weighing 230 pounds. ”

The look on my face must have said it all.

“Your only stress right now is this number on a scale. Your body can’t differentiate stress be it financial, relational, or physical. Your adrenals can not heal when it is under stress, and you can not lose weight when your adrenals are blown. This is going to be a long and slow process, months if not years. You need to work on acceptance – you have done everything in your control to “fix this” – but you need to stop seeing it as broken. You are happy – you are healthy. That’s more than I can say about most of our patients.”

I curtly replied with an insincere smile – and an “Okay!”.

I didn’t want a pep talk  (and still don’t). It’s not that she wasn’t right, or that I disagree with what she was saying. I wanted to know what I was missing. What I was doing wrong so I could fix it. So I could be thinner and smaller and under 200 pounds for the first time since middle school.

Acceptance.

No eggs, or wheat, or dairy, or grains, or beans, or coffee, or spin class, or boxing or or or…… and no normal jeans or lower numbers on the scale!?!?!

Acceptance.

Danne was not amused. “So you had to pay someone to tell you what I have been saying for 10 years? I should get a copay!”

My dad was amused and, actually found it humorous {which infuriated me}.  He also has been speaking truth about Acceptance into my life. We have had many conversations about this, especially over the last 3 years.

“Page 417 {The AA Big Book} Honey! Acceptance!” he said laughing.

Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept my life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

I read this several times a day.

I still have temper tantrums and pity parties.

I am learning to love the journey – but then I am learning to acknowledge that the journey is not to a destination of a certain number on the labels or a scale.

I’m letting go of the idea that I am entitled to what I want because of everything I am doing to deserve it.

I have kept up with all of the diet recommendations and exercise not because it will make me smaller, but because it is the best thing for me.

Because I am happy, and healthy, and want to stay that way.

Acceptance.