julie UNSCRIPTED? Not so much.

So, julie UNSCRIPTED…. that’s the name of my cozy little home here.

Photo: Unhindered by Talent Nic McPhee (flickr)


If only that were true. The truth is that I script. Constantly. Well, except for the moments that it is obvious that I do not think at all before I speak. Those moments turn out cute, witty, or embarrassing.  We all laugh. Those seem to be the best moments. When I am in the moment.

Back to scripting. It’s annoying and it’s exhausting. My mind is often three steps ahead of the moment. I think about what I will say, what you must be thinking and how you will respond, and then what I will respond to what you said, or haven’t even said yet. Or I will complete the thought of what I think you maybe thinking, and interrupt you – mid sentence. Or I will interrupt myself, and start a whole new tangent or a whole new conversation.

Here’s where it gets tricky. My mind is almost always wrong. I am thinking of all the terrible things you could be thinking of me, things that have never crossed your mind. So one smidgen into our conversation my guard goes up. I think that you will think that I am this, that, or the other, so I shut down, or get super defensive. Or I add an unnecessary disclaimer to what I finally do muster up the koyach to say.

It’s even worse if all of this is happening in writing, like an important letter, or blog, or something where I can change the words to sound all smart or move paragraphs around. This one, for example, has already been moved. Twice. I will take days to write an important email, and there are many unposted blogs. Because what if I really said what I was really thinking?  I’ve done it before. I have even said what others were thinking, and what they wouldn’t say, and have put myself on the chopping block. Alone.

So I script. And sometimes I don’t. And it can end up even worse. I can be snide and rude and sarcastic and condescending. And I can blow up. And it’s not nice. Kinda ugly actually.

Even now in my head I am thinking that you are thinking that I must be having some sort of emotional breakdown and that I  need you to encourage me and tell me all about how I bring thoughts of unicorns and skittles to wherever I go… but you weren’t even thinking about skittles. Were you? Maybe unicorns, but not the skittles.

See, I told you it was exhausting.

P.S. (Irony, P.S. stands for post script): Most of this scripting happens during confrontation, or anticipated confrontation, or flirting or anticipated flirting, especially if you have a Spanish accent. So, when you talk to me tomorrow, I may not be scripting, but seeing as how I already started scripting my response to your reaction to this blog…Unscripted? Not so much.

Down the rabbit-hole I go….

Yes, I’m a Red Pill Kinda Girl.

Ugh… That’s how I feel about it all right now. Ugh….

My head feels like it’s about to explode.

Organic it is. It’s better for me, and better for the Earth, even if it can be more pricey.

Organic it is. Then I got my first organic Red Pepper in my little local Organic buying club delivery – and it was from Holland.

Yes, Holland. As in The Netherlands.

Dark Green Below, East of Spain. North of the boot.

Reminder: I am in West Palm Beach, FL. USA… Allll the way over in the insert.

Over 4,500 miles my lil’ Red Pepper traveled.

What did my lil’ Pepper have to go through to get here from Holland?

Did it take a plane, a train, a boat, a bus?

Doesn’t all of that add up with for our “Green” footprint?

Does the 4,500 mile travel make USDA Organic “worth it”?

Is that why it costs SO MUCH MORE?!?!

And about that SO MUCH MORESometimes it is reasonable. It’s not that much more. I can justify buying Organic if the cost difference is reasonable to me.

It’s healthier.

It’s better.

It’s reasonable.

But is the fact that to increase my food budget to be Organic and healthier I had to cut down my giving to help feed others, “reasonable”?

Is it “reasonable” that 1 in 6 Americans struggle with hunger?

Is it “reasonable” that there is a term of being “food-insecure” meaning not knowing where your next meal is coming from?

Is it “reasonable” that the children I work with through Urban Youth Impact go to bed hungry at night?

My lil’ Red Pepper.

It’s Organic.

And it’s given me a headache.