So, julie UNSCRIPTED…. that’s the name of my cozy little home here.

Photo: Unhindered by Talent Nic McPhee (flickr)

Unscripted?

If only that were true. The truth is that I script. Constantly. Well, except for the moments that it is obvious that I do not think at all before I speak. Those moments turn out cute, witty, or embarrassing.  We all laugh. Those seem to be the best moments. When I am in the moment.

Back to scripting. It’s annoying and it’s exhausting. My mind is often three steps ahead of the moment. I think about what I will say, what you must be thinking and how you will respond, and then what I will respond to what you said, or haven’t even said yet. Or I will complete the thought of what I think you maybe thinking, and interrupt you – mid sentence. Or I will interrupt myself, and start a whole new tangent or a whole new conversation.

Here’s where it gets tricky. My mind is almost always wrong. I am thinking of all the terrible things you could be thinking of me, things that have never crossed your mind. So one smidgen into our conversation my guard goes up. I think that you will think that I am this, that, or the other, so I shut down, or get super defensive. Or I add an unnecessary disclaimer to what I finally do muster up the koyach to say.

It’s even worse if all of this is happening in writing, like an important letter, or blog, or something where I can change the words to sound all smart or move paragraphs around. This one, for example, has already been moved. Twice. I will take days to write an important email, and there are many unposted blogs. Because what if I really said what I was really thinking?  I’ve done it before. I have even said what others were thinking, and what they wouldn’t say, and have put myself on the chopping block. Alone.

So I script. And sometimes I don’t. And it can end up even worse. I can be snide and rude and sarcastic and condescending. And I can blow up. And it’s not nice. Kinda ugly actually.

Even now in my head I am thinking that you are thinking that I must be having some sort of emotional breakdown and that I  need you to encourage me and tell me all about how I bring thoughts of unicorns and skittles to wherever I go… but you weren’t even thinking about skittles. Were you? Maybe unicorns, but not the skittles.

See, I told you it was exhausting.

P.S. (Irony, P.S. stands for post script): Most of this scripting happens during confrontation, or anticipated confrontation, or flirting or anticipated flirting, especially if you have a Spanish accent. So, when you talk to me tomorrow, I may not be scripting, but seeing as how I already started scripting my response to your reaction to this blog…Unscripted? Not so much.