I want…

I want a heart that forgives,

A heart full of love.

One with compassion just like Yours above.

One that over comes evil with goodness and love.

Like it never happened, never holding a grudge.

I want a heart that forgives that lives and lets live.

One that keeps loving over and over again.

One that men can’t offend, because Your word is within.

One that loves without price like you lord Jesus Christ.

I want a heart that loves everybody, even my enemies.

I want to love like You,

be like You,

just like You did.

I want a heart that forgives.

I want a heart that forgives,

When the ones that are closest , that I’ve known the longest

hurt me the most; I still wanna love them just like You loved me

Even though I’m hurting.

I want a heart that forgives,

when the pain is so deep and it’s so hard  to speak about it to anyone.

Just like your Son, I give up my rights to hold it against them with hatred inside.

I want a heart that loves everybody, even my enemies.

I wanna love like You,

be like You,

just like You did.

I want to walk like You,

talk like You,

just like You did,

I want to be like You

live like You,

just like You did.

Because the heart that forgives,

is the heart that will live totally free from the pain of the past.

The heart that lets go,

is the heart that will know so much freedom.

Lord, I want to let it go.

God, I need to let it go.

Lord, it’s been holding me back.

And I don’t want it, I don’t want it, I don’t want it anymore.

I don’t know exactly what to do to get rid of it.

Here I am, Lord Jesus.

Here I am.

I need You. I need You.

Giving Thanks Sticks and Stones Nov10

“Sticks and stones may break my bones…. but words will never hurt me”

So many times I have said that – and I wished it was true…

The truth is that words do hurt, and can leave scars worse than any broken bones.

 

I am thankful for the middle school students who made fun of me today, and for being made fun so much when I was growing up.

 

I realized about a year ago that much of the compassion and empathy I have to offer not only these girls I work with, but other women, comes from feeling so blasted, torn down, and rejected. Because I have never had any no social collateral to  offer. I have always known who my true friends have been.

 

God has been gracious and has been rebuilding me, with humility.

 

What was meant for evil – God has turned into good, for His purpose, and His glory.

 

He is restoring the years the locusts have stolen.

Not dead… but wounded…

I have not committed online suicide, I am still writing, but bear with me I am wounded….

Since California I am coming to realize how very wounded I am. These wounds sometimes direct my thoughts and my actions.

 

God is so good and so gracious to heal these wounds, and bring them to my attention just one at a time. Just like an accident victim looking down to see her own blood, God is gracious to not allow me to go into shock.

 

Growing up without Jesus in the home, a mom who is the child of an alcoholic, an alcoholic father, a promiscuous sister, and being overweight since my earliest memories of kindergarten – I have had some wounds.

 

With all family wounds aside (that’s another blog for another day – a blog about the ongoing process of healing and restoration), I have been picked on verbally, deliberately socially excluded in ways that I would know it was happening, intentionally called the wrong name, beat up on the bus and the playground – I could continue, but I refuse.

 

Some of my wounds are self-inflicted. I gossip, slander, overeat, oversleep, doubt myself, doubt my God, withhold love from those who have harmed me, I keep an account of wrongs, I am insecure, I am a hypocrite. I could go on – but I refuse. 

 

Each action, like a blade in the flesh of not my body, but the body of Christ. Wounded.

 

This blog is not about the wounds that have affected me in every area of my life – financially, relationally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and physically.

As Chris Tress would say “Stop Bellygazing” (looking down at our own faults) and look up!

 

This blog is about my Healer, my Hope, my Reconciliation, my great Physician – the Lover of my soul, my Creator, my Father, my Comfort, my ONLY Hope.

 

Yesterday we were having a time of prayer at Urban Youth Impact (how thankful I am to serve with those who seek the Lord) and Nattie’s husband, John, my coworker and friend, led us in worship – I could sing this song all day – and be somewhat accurate if I could find it on ITunes…

Balm of Gilead

You’re the rock of the ages
You’re the balm of Gilead
Make us strong and courageous
Heal the wounds that we’ve had
(Repeat)

We need Your Spirit
We need freedom
We need Your Spirit
We need freedom
We need You

You’re the counselor from heaven
You’re my bright and morning star
You bring comfort and protection
Shine Your light in my heart
(Repeat)

I need Your Spirit
I need freedom
I need Your Spirit
I need freedom
I need You

 

Last night I heard something great – this guy said, “Stop listening to yourself, and start talking to yourself”

Here is me talking to myself, and God talking to me through His perfect Word.

 

Isaiah 42:3 (read the whole chapter for some refreshing! As always, it’s even more powerful in context)

  A bruised reed he will not break,
       and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
       In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

Joel 2

Isaiah 61:1-3 (speaking of Jesus)

 1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners,

 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,

 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.

 

Philippians 1:6

being confident (not doubting, not wavering, not fearful – confident) of this, that he (not me) who began (the author and finisher of my faith)  a good work (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11in you will (not maybe, not thinking about it, not “ehh if I get around to it”) carry it on to completion (all done, followed through, perfected, “IT IS FINISHED”) until the day (it’s a process) of Christ Jesus.

 

He is doing the good work….  if I was in surgery, would I be talking to, or aggressively questioning the surgeon? Would I be waking up? I need to heed the advice in Psalm 46..

Psalm 46:10

10 “Be still (it’s a choice, just be, still… not squirmy just.. be… still…), and know (not  think, not doubt, know) that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Slowing down to let the Healer heal,

Julie