Sleeping, yep. Right now. I should be, sleeping.
But I’m not. At some point tonight, I thought that tonight would be a good night for an all-nighter.
But it’s not. At some point I need to realize that there are only 24 hours in a day for a reason. My body was created to rest each day. It’s not good for my mind to be “on” this long.
I’m tired. Of being frustrated with myself for letting others control me. Of being frustrated with myself for being frustrated about stuff that shouldn’t matter now, and is only a big deal because I let it be. Of waking up at 3:13 some mornings and not going to bed some nights. Of getting ticked when things still don’t change. Of being torn between doormat and doulos. Of trading the truth for lies. Of not reading. Of not writing. Of not working out. Of not hanging out. Of doing things because I think I have to, not because I want to. Of serving two masters. Of feeling stuck in parts of the past while catching glimpses of the future. Of fear. Of things I can’t wrap my mind around while feeling surrounded by people who can. Of encouraging others to do things I haven’t been doing myself.
Yeah, I should be….