Not a week goes by where someone doesn’t ask me why I haven’t written on my blog.
I usually blame busyness.
Blame is lame.
If I were in a relationship with julieunscripted, in Facebook terms we would be defined as “It’s Complicated.” (I couldn’t even remember my password to write this post for goodness sake!)
For me, blogging meets a need that writing in a journal just doesn’t. I like to write, and I like when it is read.
This has never been a space for recipes or photos or crafts or celebrity stories or movie reviews or any other such things blogs can be. I imagine it would be easier for me if it were.
I am my own shtick, I am the content of this space.
julieunscripted is an invitation to eavesdrop on the conversations in my clusterfluff of a heart.
But If there is an invitation is it eavesdropping? And why am I inviting others into a heart I try so desperately to guard? And why do I try so desperately to guard it if my true desire is to be known, accepted, and loved for who I am?
Anywho, back to the thought already in progress….Like eavesdropping, context is missing but instead of a whisper -blogging is standing on my platform with a megaphone.
As it gains traction and my writing is shared with friends as well as strangers, I find myself strangely fueled until I freak out and retreat for months at a time.
When I write I question why I write as much as I question what I write as much as I question when I write. (That was fun!)
This process can be as exhausting as reading that last sentence. I eventually get over it and write in my cozy little space here, and it has proved worth it every single time.
The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the glitter and the grit – I have put myself out there.
But recently I haven’t, I can’t. It’s complicated.
I find myself in a position where I can’t be fake, and I can’t be real.
There are so many things I want to write about: working in and leaving the corporate setting (speaking up, shutting up, standing up and then laying it all down), leaving the traditional church setting (and then kind-of going back), Christmas, Christians, Jews, definitions of holiness, weddings and being a bridesmaid this summer(… again..and then again), reactions to certain songs, my health or illness in all the aspects of “me”, self care (and/or lack there of), self love, self loathing, boundaries, the apathy/stagnation/fervor/celebration in relationships and how I am haunted by some and healed by others, hanging on and letting go, deferred longings and the resuscitation of dreams ….and… and…. and….
I haven’t, I can’t. It’s complicated.