Tag: Jesus

Row. Row. Row your boat….

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I row. And row. And row.

I work three jobs. I have to make money.Sure, I paid off all my credit card debt, but I still owe someone, something. I must have insurance. I must have money to give if someone needs something. I want to travel to Denver. I need to buy a new bed. I need to buy a bicycle. I have to go to the doctors. I need. I want. I have to. I must.

So I row and I get up before 4am and work until almost 7 at night and am in bed by 10, sometimes 8, unless I am swept into another late night conversation. Somewhere in the in between I meet with friends for intentional accountability. I pour into the lives of young women. I try to be Christ to those “in the world”. I read. I write. I try to eat better. I try to work out more. I try to have “quiet time”.

I row. And row. And row. My oars seem to be attached to my calloused hands.

It’s not very “gently down the stream” either. There are relationships that have been neglected. I don’t answer all my calls or texts. I’m so busy. They have to understand. If they only knew what I was really going through. But I can’t tell them. They need to talk to me about them. I can’t talk to my mentor about it. I’ve avoided her for months. Plus I don’t have time for me. I emotionally shut down. I lash out and focus in. I analyze until I am paralyzed. I can’t take a day off for rest. I can’t take care of myself, that’s selfish.

I row. And row. And row.

Two or so years ago God gave me a big dream.

He must be talking to me about someone else. I’m too much. I’m not enough. I won’t handle success right. I’ll fall into lust again. I’ll mismanage my money. People will think I am crazy. I’ll be rejected. I can’t do this. I’m too broken. Too hurt.

But God, look at all I do now. Doesn’t it make you happy? I’m in ministry, I live beneath my means, even beneath my potential. Yes, I am tired. Yes, exhausted. Yes, I am only giving others my drips from an empty cup that should be filled and overflowing. Yes, I’m hiding out. But, God.

If I am going to move forward? How can I do it?

That’s it. Add MORE. Do more.Work more. Save more. Give more. Be more. More. More. More. Row more!!

So I row. And row. And row. Faster. More.

And as I start to feel a fresh old familiar wind at my back, it starts moving me forward.

But, I’m confused. Clutching my oars, I row more. Faster. More.

Gently and sweetly, He raises the sails and says, “Jules, put your oars down.”

What?

“Jules, put your oars down.”

But, God, can’t you see, I’m moving myself  forward. Gripping tighter.  I row more. Faster. More.

“Jules, put your oars down. Can’t you see? You’re on a sail boat.”

But God.

“Put them down…”

But I have to…

“Put them down…”

But I need to…

“Put them down….”

But…

“Jules… I’m moving you forward.”

Giving Thanks Paid in Full Nov26

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I stood there sobbing on the phone.

She said it again “Miss Stein your debt is paid in full”

I sobbed not only in celebration of the freedom of bondage to American Express for the first time in 8 years – but I sobbed because it is a glimpse of the eternal significance of being Paid In Full.

One day I will stand in judgement and God will say “Julie, your debt is Paid in Full”

My debt of sin is so great, and the wages of sin is death.

Unlike my budgeting and cutting back to be able to pay back my debt to one my creditors and then being released from my obligation because I kept the terms, no amount of good works would have ever been enough to cover my debt of sin to God.

My salvation is by God’s Grace, through faith. It is all in Christ.

 
For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.
 
For by Him all things were created, {both} in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities–all things have been created through Him and for Him.
 
He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
 
He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.
 
For it was the {Father’s} good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, {I say,} whether things on earth or things in heaven.
 
And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, {engaged} in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach– if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

 

This world is not my home. And although I can be glad about almost being debt free here on earth. I hope it never determines my joy – and that through trial or triumph I never loose an eternal focus of Christ.

And for that I give thanks.

Giving Thanks I have a job Nov11

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Today was an insane day, Starbucks training in Boca, then off to Urban Youth Impact…..but I was reminded of my purpose.

 

Today, I am thankful to have a job. With such an unstable economy, and being hired in during one of Starbucks most turbulent times, I am thankful.

 

It’s not much. Not even 20 hours most weeks since I have been there for the past 2 months. It’s the least I have made in over 12 years. The tips in cash each week are just enough for me to get gas to and from work, and my check is finally almost enough to cover my bills.  But soon I will have medical dental and optical for the first time in almost 2 years. And it’s a great company to work for. 

 

In training today I had to answer “Who would you have coffee with, and why?”

 

“Phil Knight – founder of Nike… because I want to talk to him about my dream…..”

 

During our break I had a few people ask me to elaborate, and I did, I got to share my purpose… and as I write this I am reminded that for now, this is just my manna on the way to my promised land….

 

It’s meant to be my “What is this” just enough for today – don’t hoard for tomorrow. Keep one foot in front of the other, keep focused on the goal, don’t get comfortable. Be obedient. God is providing on the way there.

 

Today I am thankful that God is my provider. Not my plans, not my schemes and that after having my application on file for a year and a half, Starbucks called me, and that He shines through me there.

 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.

But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other You cannot serve God and wealth.  

 For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,

yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’

For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

–Jesus (Matthew 6)

Flowers, just because…

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There are alot of flowers in our house these days…. My roommate Danne just had some pretty major surgery last week…  a good reason for all of the “flowers”…

 

I love flowers but to be honest, I am not usually a fan of “flowers”… Especially on specific days… Birthdays, Valentine’s Day… I think it’s too easy and not very thoughtful….

 

In the winter I was going through a funk, I had just returned from Denver where my friend Marty was having a baby shower in celebration of her first child, my dad was in Ohio in and out and back into the hospital with some serious thing that no one could figure out what it was then pneumonia from being in the hospital, I was spending weeks at a time nannying for a large family that was grieving the loss of a child, I was praying though following my dreams vs. entering into full-time ministry and the frosting on the cake was that I had no matches on EHarmony….

 

There were days that I didn’t even want to get out of bed, and didn’t… I was going into work late, leaving work early, not eating, not working out, not going out.. I didn’t tell many people everything that was going on.. I shut off… I have friends telling me to go to counseling, that I was too busy, that I was doing to much, that I wasn’t doing enough… I even had one friend say “It’s been long enough – snap out of it”

 

Things started turning back to “normal”, some time had passed, then the flowers came, on some random day, and they were just perfect…  They were little yellow roses that match my room and my bedroom set….

 

All the card said was:

“Thinking of you Psalm 139:17-18    Love, Jesus”

 

I dried the flowers, and they sit on my bedside table.

 

They are a reminder that I am loved by others (even if I will thankfully never know who they are from) and that I am loved by God…

 

Just because….

Not dead… but wounded…

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I have not committed online suicide, I am still writing, but bear with me I am wounded….

Since California I am coming to realize how very wounded I am. These wounds sometimes direct my thoughts and my actions.

 

God is so good and so gracious to heal these wounds, and bring them to my attention just one at a time. Just like an accident victim looking down to see her own blood, God is gracious to not allow me to go into shock.

 

Growing up without Jesus in the home, a mom who is the child of an alcoholic, an alcoholic father, a promiscuous sister, and being overweight since my earliest memories of kindergarten – I have had some wounds.

 

With all family wounds aside (that’s another blog for another day – a blog about the ongoing process of healing and restoration), I have been picked on verbally, deliberately socially excluded in ways that I would know it was happening, intentionally called the wrong name, beat up on the bus and the playground – I could continue, but I refuse.

 

Some of my wounds are self-inflicted. I gossip, slander, overeat, oversleep, doubt myself, doubt my God, withhold love from those who have harmed me, I keep an account of wrongs, I am insecure, I am a hypocrite. I could go on – but I refuse. 

 

Each action, like a blade in the flesh of not my body, but the body of Christ. Wounded.

 

This blog is not about the wounds that have affected me in every area of my life – financially, relationally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and physically.

As Chris Tress would say “Stop Bellygazing” (looking down at our own faults) and look up!

 

This blog is about my Healer, my Hope, my Reconciliation, my great Physician – the Lover of my soul, my Creator, my Father, my Comfort, my ONLY Hope.

 

Yesterday we were having a time of prayer at Urban Youth Impact (how thankful I am to serve with those who seek the Lord) and Nattie’s husband, John, my coworker and friend, led us in worship – I could sing this song all day – and be somewhat accurate if I could find it on ITunes…

Balm of Gilead

You’re the rock of the ages
You’re the balm of Gilead
Make us strong and courageous
Heal the wounds that we’ve had
(Repeat)

We need Your Spirit
We need freedom
We need Your Spirit
We need freedom
We need You

You’re the counselor from heaven
You’re my bright and morning star
You bring comfort and protection
Shine Your light in my heart
(Repeat)

I need Your Spirit
I need freedom
I need Your Spirit
I need freedom
I need You

 

Last night I heard something great – this guy said, “Stop listening to yourself, and start talking to yourself”

Here is me talking to myself, and God talking to me through His perfect Word.

 

Isaiah 42:3 (read the whole chapter for some refreshing! As always, it’s even more powerful in context)

  A bruised reed he will not break,
       and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
       In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

Joel 2

Isaiah 61:1-3 (speaking of Jesus)

 1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners,

 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,

 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.

 

Philippians 1:6

being confident (not doubting, not wavering, not fearful – confident) of this, that he (not me) who began (the author and finisher of my faith)  a good work (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11 ) in you will (not maybe, not thinking about it, not “ehh if I get around to it”) carry it on to completion (all done, followed through, perfected, “IT IS FINISHED”) until the day (it’s a process) of Christ Jesus.

 

He is doing the good work….  if I was in surgery, would I be talking to, or aggressively questioning the surgeon? Would I be waking up? I need to heed the advice in Psalm 46..

Psalm 46:10

10 “Be still (it’s a choice, just be, still… not squirmy just.. be… still…), and know (not  think, not doubt, know) that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Slowing down to let the Healer heal,

Julie