Guilty: Depraved Indifference

Trust me, it’s a good thing  I haven’t blogged in over a year. I unknowingly spared you from the self-focused, woe is me, screwed over, victim of corporate, too much month-not enough money, navel gazing “I want, I need, I earned, I deserve” train of thought that thankfully came to a screeching halt yesterday.

A representative from Gospel for Asia came to speak at my church. He passionately pleaded the cause of the orphan and widow, he showed a video, quoted Matthew 9 citing how Jesus had compassion and took action, and how the workers are few.

And…. My heart was broken and I am selling everything I have and moving to India or Africa and giving my life to missions!!  I totally zoned out.

Please understand, none of this was new. I worked for Gospelink. I’ve seen the videos of pastors going through flood waters on their bikes, orphans being served their  daily “meals”,  mud huts people make into homes. Having friends that are missionaries, I’ve heard stories. I’ve cried tears. I used to care. I made it a prayerful and financial priority in my life to right the wrongs. I was focused on telling anyone who asked how they could help too.

I zoned out only because I just couldn’t (and can’t) shake a phrase said by my pastor.

He said it flippantly, only once, having to ask a friend sitting in the front row for the correct phrasing: “Depraved Indifference”.


“Depraved Indifference”


“Depraved Indifference”


“Depraved Indifference”


“Depraved Indifference”


“Depraved Indifference”

Used to.

“Depraved Indifference”


“Depraved Indifference”


“Depraved Indifference”

All past tense.

Over and over and over again it shouts : “Depraved Indifference”.

Depraved Indifference: conduct that is so wanton, so deficient in a moral sense of concern, so lacking in regard for the life or lives of others, and so blameworthy as to warrant the same criminal liability as that which the law imposes upon a person who intentionally causes a crime.

Here I sit: Me. “Mother Teresa Incarnate”. (As a prosecuting attorney cross-examining me once said.) Julie Stein.

Here sit: Comfortable. Complacent.

Here I sit: Julie Stein, GUILTY of Depraved Indifference.

Knowing of the wrong doing that is happening, having excess funds to help stop it and doing nothing.

Found as guilty, as liable, as those intentionally committing heinous crimes.

Here I sit: humbled, wrecked, and hopefully changed.

Giving Thanks I have a job Nov11

Today was an insane day, Starbucks training in Boca, then off to Urban Youth Impact…..but I was reminded of my purpose.


Today, I am thankful to have a job. With such an unstable economy, and being hired in during one of Starbucks most turbulent times, I am thankful.


It’s not much. Not even 20 hours most weeks since I have been there for the past 2 months. It’s the least I have made in over 12 years. The tips in cash each week are just enough for me to get gas to and from work, and my check is finally almost enough to cover my bills.  But soon I will have medical dental and optical for the first time in almost 2 years. And it’s a great company to work for. 


In training today I had to answer “Who would you have coffee with, and why?”


“Phil Knight – founder of Nike… because I want to talk to him about my dream…..”


During our break I had a few people ask me to elaborate, and I did, I got to share my purpose… and as I write this I am reminded that for now, this is just my manna on the way to my promised land….


It’s meant to be my “What is this” just enough for today – don’t hoard for tomorrow. Keep one foot in front of the other, keep focused on the goal, don’t get comfortable. Be obedient. God is providing on the way there.


Today I am thankful that God is my provider. Not my plans, not my schemes and that after having my application on file for a year and a half, Starbucks called me, and that He shines through me there.


“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.

But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other You cannot serve God and wealth.  

 For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,

yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’

For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Jesus (Matthew 6)

RUN !!

24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
 25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.
27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

During small group time at Bow Down this week several weeks ago we disected and discussed I Corinthians 9:24-27…. It was the splash of water in the face that I desperately needed!

My thoughts colored…

24Do you not know (I wonder if this was sarcastic? or a repremand, another translation says “Remember” Julie, you know this – this is a reminder, again) that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize(the goal, the purpose)? Run in such a way as to get the prize. (what is the purpose, to win, to get the prize – not to just go through the motions, not to just attend, to get the prize)

 25Everyone (not just some, everyone) who competes (in it to win, not on the sidelines, not slacking) in the games goes into strict (strict) training (intentional time devoted to the purpose of the race, and being prepared, being ready, intentional time side aside to focus, Have I trained well? Will I get hurt because of my lack of training?). They do it to get a crown that will not last (this world has nothing for me, or for them); but we (we, people with Christ’s purpose, not they, not focused on fading things, we, us) do it to get a crown that will last forever (temporal vs. eternal perspective eternal is way more valuable – am I focusing on training for here, and now, or eternity). 26Therefore I (I wonder if Paul is comparing himself to those he is writing to, it switches from “we” to “I” – leading me to believe that to those he is writing are doing the opposite of the following list? ) do not run like a man running aimlessly (why am I running, where am I running, what is my purpose, if I  am running, is it aimless? Am I exerting the full effort into aimless running in the wrong direction, going through the motions?  People looking on, do they know my purpose, my goal, or do they just wonder what the heck I am doing? What is her purpose, what’s the point, she is all worked up, and getting tired running in the wrong direction!!) ; I do not fight like a man beating the air(Same as above, trained, full effort going into futile works). 27No(NO!), I beat (not spoil, not pamper, not give into every whim) my body and make it my slave (Yikes! Full submission, ownership of my thoughts and actions) so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified (is this like “depart from me I never knew you” disqualified?) for the prize.

I have been digesting these verses for the last several weeks… I can’t get my mind off of them. Praise God!

I have not been living up to what I know that God wants be to be faithful to, I have as one woman said we can be “Focused on relieving temporal earthy pressures – and not living up to Christ’s purpose”. Yep! That describes it! 

How many of the decisions I make, or don’t make, are based on relieving these earthly pressures? I am working 2 part time jobs, plus other odd jobs or hours when they come up, running around all of creation from job to job, just to have just enough to just get by – yet I have not even typed out an action plan for my own vision. Aimless.

Yes, God has been faithful to provide – but how long will He sustain me, when I know that I am not in the center of His will?  Isn’t delayed obedience disobedience?

My mind is racing, I hope that these thoughts will continue to not only run through my mind – but make their way down to focused and purposeful feet.