I feel pretty..

I feel pretty….

If only you knew what it takes for me to say that, and to mean it.

As far back as I can remember being “different”, I remember hating pictures being taken of me.

Hiding behind my peanut, not looking at camera.

Always being the “fat friend” I have learned how to be the first one to take the pictures of everyone else, and if I was ever dragged in front of the camera, I know how to hide behind someone else, push my rear out, arch my back, lean forward, shoulders back, chin up, and “smile”. And then take the camera back, and delete all the pictures of myself.

Floating Head.

Floating Head, a few years before.

Head still floating.

Hide behind a friend, with a fake smile.

Hide behind a hug.

A few weeks ago, still hiding-ish. (No floating head though… 20 years later, progress)

I have “such a great personality”, pretty eyes, cute dimples, great smile… … Or so I’ve been told.

Blah.. blah.. blah.. Compliment the “fat friend”…

It wasn’t until this weekend, that I saw “it”.

Over a year ago Danne did another impromptu photo shoot of me. This past weekend, as she was getting ready to launch her new website, she called me over to her computer to see a picture I had forgotten all about.

I just stood there for a moment. Looked at my friends, and said “I’m pretty.”*

Moving forward, and not hiding…

Julie

*(from Danne: “I believe my exact words were, “You’re positively stunning!” To which your exact reply was, “Oh My God, I’m pretty!””)

Red Pill Kinda Girl.

After watching Food Inc. I start frantically texting my friends little nuggets of “new” information that I had learned.

“You should’ve chosen the blue pill ” John and Nattie tell me.

Huh?

It’s a reference from The Matrix.

No, I have  never seen it. Yes, I know, it came out over 10 years ago. NO, I’m not kidding you.

So, I watch The Matrix.  It was a very intense, thought provoking movie for me.

My head feels like it is about to explode.

And shouldn’t it? Everything I ever thought I knew about food has been wrong. And what about all the stuff I never even thought to think about?

Organic local foods, imported apples from China, vegan, animal cruelty, genetically modified, hormonally enhanced,  government subsidiary, farming, high frutose corn syrup, Foodborne Illness, Nutritional Labels on Restaurant Food, Diabetes and Obesity, Factory Farming,  Genetic Engineering, Pesticides, The Global Food Crisis, Monsanto….

“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

twirling down the rabbit hole….. and moving forward,

Julie

Giving Thanks 2009

So, I pretty much feel like a slacker. I have so much to be thankful for, and my “month of giving thanks” is starting as the month is coming to an end. 

 

The last thing that my life needs is something to be legalistic about. Feeling that I must write “because”…..

 

I refuse to have something that I love become a miserable noose.

 

So, I’ve been laying low over here at julieUnscripted. It’s been a bittersweet combination of living life and not writing about it, joy and frustration, complete chaos in the midst of the most consistent schedule I have ever had.  Having less possessions and  less money than ever, being more mindful of the kingdom of God, yet somehow finding myself more complete . And then there is being out of, into, and back out of my “fat pants”.

 

Plus my computer’s hard drive died.

 

Today, I am thankful that we were created for community. Thankful that I need you, and that you need me to be real and vulnerable, and that you embrace me, my mess, but don’t let me stay there. I am thankful that you are still here. Thankful that you are still checking in.   Thankful for friends who refuse to leave me to myself and refuse to let me shut down and become a recluse. Friends who pull me closer, even as I shove away.  Thankful for those whom I have never met encouraging me. 

 

Let’s hug.

 

And we can all be thankful that one day I will have an editor who will correct my grammar, and unsplit my infinitives, yet still let me be me.

 

 

Philippians 1

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, 4always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you all,  5in view of your participation in the gospel from the first day until now.

 6For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

 7For it is only right for me to feel this way about you all, because I have you in my heart, since both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers of grace with me.

 8For God is my witness, how I long for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus.

 9And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment,  10so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ;  11having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

not how it’s supposed to be….

On Labor Day, Christen, Danne and I went to the gym… it was such a long 40 minutes for me.. and it’s no secret that I hate the gym… 

 

Last night I “worked-out” with the Wii fit…  I hula hooped, and ran in place, watching the TV as I was chasing another Mii and then a virtual dog… it was fun and stuff, but…

 

Today, though I live not 10 minutes from the beach… I went swimming in a pool….

 

We have traded in so many great things, for cheap substitutes…

real fruit juice for Kool-Aid

real contact for Poking people on Facebook

Intimacy for Pornography

Real Conversation for Text Messages

Hand Written letters for email or wall comments

 

It’s just not how it’s supposed to be….

My computer & Me…

take 2 .. a  Facebook Application ate my blog…

My computer & me…

American …

Overheats easily….

The lightest “complexion” of the girls…

Can’t multitask without shutting down…

Always thinks it has a virus… and doesn’t…

Is bottom heavy…

disclaimer: silly blog post written to distract me from writing the more emotionally charged blog about how I resigned from my job because I was using it as an crutch and excuse to not follow my dreams, even though I love my job.. and how God is uprooting all the lies that I have believed, and have steered me since forever… and how….. silly blog post… distraction…