Tag: depraved indifference

Somewhere between Wrecked and Reality

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I’ve been guilty of Depraved Indifference.

If you haven’t read it – I’ll sum it up.

I don’t know how or when but I have started to care more about my “I’m a victim” pity parties or how the chickens that lay my free-range cage-free eggs are treated than I have cared about children I know are starving, sold into slavery, orphaned and other heinous things.

Now now, I know that I am helping children “here” and that I am not doing any of those terrible things to those children “over there”.

I also know that not doing anything wrong is not the same as doing something right.

Here are some of the thoughts that have been coming to mind.

What if we had a caste system in America and I was an untouchable?

What if that was my daughter searching the slums for food?

What if my basic needs could be met by someone who wasted a little bit less and gave a little bit more?

Right now I am somewhere between wrecked and reality. Somewhere between selling all I have to move across the world to love on the “least of these” and the fallacy of the “American Dream”.

Ok, that was a tad bit over dramatic and not at all accurate, but it sounded good in my head.

I don’t think that I am supposed to move across the world – at least not any time soon! I know very clearly what my assignment is right now. It’s right here, boldly advocating for my residents living with Alzheimer’s, and loving the friends I have been entrusted with.

So, dramatic statements aside…What does mean for me, right here right now?

Let’s rewind about 2 years: I was more generous when I was a “broke” barista relying on tips for gas money.  Now making more than double in salary,  I have become the most important thing to spend waste my money on. If I wasn’t so ashamed I would actually tell you how much I have spent on coffee alone.. or at Chick-fil-A… or, or, or….

Does this mean that I can never enjoy another Grande, 2 pump, Soy,  Extra Foam, No Whip, No Pumpkin Powder, Add Cinnamon Dolce Powder, Pumpkin Spice Latte?*

Nope. I can. And I will. It is fall(-ish) for goodness sake!

It simply means being more mindful of how I spend my time, money, mental and emotional energy.

Not depriving myself of everything I enjoy but sacrificing somethings, more things, to bring joy and life to others both “here” and “over there”.

Less going out, more cooking at home. Less Pinterest, more prayer. Less pity-party more perspective inspiring  passion. Being more thankful and hopefully alot less whining during my current “assignment” – no matter how unhappy I think I am.  Less mindlessness, more meditation. Less consuming, more giving.

One decision at a time – balancing. Or at least trying to.

*(Yes, that is “my” drink – don’t judge me. I am a princess and will have my latte exactly how I like it if I am paying $4 for it.)

Guilty: Depraved Indifference

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Trust me, it’s a good thing  I haven’t blogged in over a year. I unknowingly spared you from the self-focused, woe is me, screwed over, victim of corporate, too much month-not enough money, navel gazing “I want, I need, I earned, I deserve” train of thought that thankfully came to a screeching halt yesterday.

A representative from Gospel for Asia came to speak at my church. He passionately pleaded the cause of the orphan and widow, he showed a video, quoted Matthew 9 citing how Jesus had compassion and took action, and how the workers are few.

And…. My heart was broken and I am selling everything I have and moving to India or Africa and giving my life to missions!!  I totally zoned out.

Please understand, none of this was new. I worked for Gospelink. I’ve seen the videos of pastors going through flood waters on their bikes, orphans being served their  daily “meals”,  mud huts people make into homes. Having friends that are missionaries, I’ve heard stories. I’ve cried tears. I used to care. I made it a prayerful and financial priority in my life to right the wrongs. I was focused on telling anyone who asked how they could help too.

I zoned out only because I just couldn’t (and can’t) shake a phrase said by my pastor.

He said it flippantly, only once, having to ask a friend sitting in the front row for the correct phrasing: “Depraved Indifference”.

Was.

“Depraved Indifference”

Worked.

“Depraved Indifference”

Seen.

“Depraved Indifference”

Heard.

“Depraved Indifference”

Cried.

“Depraved Indifference”

Used to.

“Depraved Indifference”

Made.

“Depraved Indifference”

Focused.

“Depraved Indifference”

All past tense.

Over and over and over again it shouts : “Depraved Indifference”.

Depraved Indifference: conduct that is so wanton, so deficient in a moral sense of concern, so lacking in regard for the life or lives of others, and so blameworthy as to warrant the same criminal liability as that which the law imposes upon a person who intentionally causes a crime.

Here I sit: Me. “Mother Teresa Incarnate”. (As a prosecuting attorney cross-examining me once said.) Julie Stein.

Here I  sit: Comfortable. Complacent.

Here I sit: Julie Stein, GUILTY of Depraved Indifference.

Knowing of the wrong doing that is happening, having excess funds to help stop it and doing nothing.

Found as guilty, as liable, as those intentionally committing heinous crimes.

Here I sit: humbled, wrecked, and hopefully changed.