I’ve been guilty of Depraved Indifference.

If you haven’t read it – I’ll sum it up.

I don’t know how or when but I have started to care more about my “I’m a victim” pity parties or how the chickens that lay my free-range cage-free eggs are treated than I have cared about children I know are starving, sold into slavery, orphaned and other heinous things.

Now now, I know that I am helping children “here” and that I am not doing any of those terrible things to those children “over there”.

I also know that not doing anything wrong is not the same as doing something right.

Here are some of the thoughts that have been coming to mind.

What if we had a caste system in America and I was an untouchable?

What if that was my daughter searching the slums for food?

What if my basic needs could be met by someone who wasted a little bit less and gave a little bit more?

Right now I am somewhere between wrecked and reality. Somewhere between selling all I have to move across the world to love on the “least of these” and the fallacy of the “American Dream”.

Ok, that was a tad bit over dramatic and not at all accurate, but it sounded good in my head.

I don’t think that I am supposed to move across the world – at least not any time soon! I know very clearly what my assignment is right now. It’s right here, boldly advocating for my residents living with Alzheimer’s, and loving the friends I have been entrusted with.

So, dramatic statements aside…What does mean for me, right here right now?

Let’s rewind about 2 years: I was more generous when I was a “broke” barista relying on tips for gas money.  Now making more than double in salary,  I have become the most important thing to spend waste my money on. If I wasn’t so ashamed I would actually tell you how much I have spent on coffee alone.. or at Chick-fil-A… or, or, or….

Does this mean that I can never enjoy another Grande, 2 pump, Soy,  Extra Foam, No Whip, No Pumpkin Powder, Add Cinnamon Dolce Powder, Pumpkin Spice Latte?*

Nope. I can. And I will. It is fall(-ish) for goodness sake!

It simply means being more mindful of how I spend my time, money, mental and emotional energy.

Not depriving myself of everything I enjoy but sacrificing somethings, more things, to bring joy and life to others both “here” and “over there”.

Less going out, more cooking at home. Less Pinterest, more prayer. Less pity-party more perspective inspiring  passion. Being more thankful and hopefully alot less whining during my current “assignment” – no matter how unhappy I think I am.  Less mindlessness, more meditation. Less consuming, more giving.

One decision at a time – balancing. Or at least trying to.

*(Yes, that is “my” drink – don’t judge me. I am a princess and will have my latte exactly how I like it if I am paying $4 for it.)