Tag: perspective

Pearl

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And there it was, another conversation (with a man) about how men are predominantly, initially, and primarily attracted to a woman for her physical beauty, and how my qualities, though “superior”, are secondary and therefore I am overlooked, and never given a chance.

Just shovel that right on top of the heap of emotional garbage that has been increasing as my waistline decreases.

In the days after to say that I was pissed would have been an understatement.

I was pissed at everyone. Seriously.

Even men I haven’t even met yet. Yep, I was pissed at them, too.

Pissed.

Pissed.

Pissed.

(WAIT. Please…..Don’t stop reading, I promise this is blog is not a bitter rant!)

Then. scrolling through Facebook one night, I come across this:

Soul

 

Salve to a weary,angry, achy heart.

As my heavenly Father speaks, all I can do is listen.

 

………And there you are. In your unassuming shell. Feeling overlooked as shiny shells get chosen,claimed,collected.

That is of no concern to you. Do not let your soul be defined by its shell.

You my dear are growing slowly. Delicate. Fragile. Sensitive. Layers and layers have developed around an irritant. The greater the layers, the greater the lustre.

You reflect light, and you have an inner glow. You shine brightly. You reflect those near you clearly.

You are authentic and very rare. Often imitated, never replicated. You are a treasure.

Those who know what they are looking for will know how to find you and appreciate you when they do.

Until then you remain tucked away, hidden, protected from predators.

I love you, for you are my Pearl.

 

(insert “Pearl in contrasting shell that portrays everything that I have been trying to say but refuse to look for any longer”  Creative Commons Photo here)

Somewhere between Wrecked and Reality

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I’ve been guilty of Depraved Indifference.

If you haven’t read it – I’ll sum it up.

I don’t know how or when but I have started to care more about my “I’m a victim” pity parties or how the chickens that lay my free-range cage-free eggs are treated than I have cared about children I know are starving, sold into slavery, orphaned and other heinous things.

Now now, I know that I am helping children “here” and that I am not doing any of those terrible things to those children “over there”.

I also know that not doing anything wrong is not the same as doing something right.

Here are some of the thoughts that have been coming to mind.

What if we had a caste system in America and I was an untouchable?

What if that was my daughter searching the slums for food?

What if my basic needs could be met by someone who wasted a little bit less and gave a little bit more?

Right now I am somewhere between wrecked and reality. Somewhere between selling all I have to move across the world to love on the “least of these” and the fallacy of the “American Dream”.

Ok, that was a tad bit over dramatic and not at all accurate, but it sounded good in my head.

I don’t think that I am supposed to move across the world – at least not any time soon! I know very clearly what my assignment is right now. It’s right here, boldly advocating for my residents living with Alzheimer’s, and loving the friends I have been entrusted with.

So, dramatic statements aside…What does mean for me, right here right now?

Let’s rewind about 2 years: I was more generous when I was a “broke” barista relying on tips for gas money.  Now making more than double in salary,  I have become the most important thing to spend waste my money on. If I wasn’t so ashamed I would actually tell you how much I have spent on coffee alone.. or at Chick-fil-A… or, or, or….

Does this mean that I can never enjoy another Grande, 2 pump, Soy,  Extra Foam, No Whip, No Pumpkin Powder, Add Cinnamon Dolce Powder, Pumpkin Spice Latte?*

Nope. I can. And I will. It is fall(-ish) for goodness sake!

It simply means being more mindful of how I spend my time, money, mental and emotional energy.

Not depriving myself of everything I enjoy but sacrificing somethings, more things, to bring joy and life to others both “here” and “over there”.

Less going out, more cooking at home. Less Pinterest, more prayer. Less pity-party more perspective inspiring  passion. Being more thankful and hopefully alot less whining during my current “assignment” – no matter how unhappy I think I am.  Less mindlessness, more meditation. Less consuming, more giving.

One decision at a time – balancing. Or at least trying to.

*(Yes, that is “my” drink – don’t judge me. I am a princess and will have my latte exactly how I like it if I am paying $4 for it.)

Humble Pie, an open letter to Maura Kelly

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photo credit: flickr.com/photos/cobalt/

Dear Maura,

While playing on Facebook this morning, I noticed that a fellow blogger, journalist for the Palm Beach Post , and a friend who I know slightly in real life, but mostly through Facebook, blogs and emails , Leslie Gray Streeter had posted a link to your now infamous article.

Just last night in my “life of love” group this bible verse was brought up.

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. (Prov 29:11)

I obviously didn’t retain that. Or represent a “life of love”.  So, I vented, and I foolishly wrote you an open letter. I was so proud of myself. I had said most of what I wanted to say while trying not to attack you personally.   “You” became that voice in my head that told me I was fat an ugly and disgusting my whole life, and I finally had “your” email address. I had finally told off  the girl who always picked on me, the voice that never left me. I was even interviewed for The Palm Beach Post. My friends rallied around me.

They told me how beautiful I am.

They told me I was a great writer.

They told me I was witty.

They told me I was snarky.

Then, I was told I was mean. (I did say I would hug you if I didn’t want to strangle you. Ouch.)

Much to my surprise, you responded personally, in humility. You told me I was right. And very few times have I ever felt so very wrong.  We have since exchanged several emails. You told me of people who have told you to go hang yourself.  How sad you are and how you have spent your time  today responding personally to most emails. As of this letter, you have over 2,200 comments, on the Marie Claire site alone.  That is one heck of a bad day for you. I didn’t see that. I needed to be heard. I kicked you while you were down, and snidely offered you calorie-free humble pie.

I have apologized to you privately, and would now like to do it publicly.

I am sorry.  I was wrong. I was the jerk, and hypocrite. I have contacted Leslie and tried to unring my bell. Telling her that I am your advocate, and you are not my enemy. I have forwarded her our correspondence so she could also see a glimpse of the repentant you, and the true foolish me. I have responded to comments telling them, I was wrong.

I realized that  it’s easy for us to write about someone not realize that we are talking about an actual person, whether a fattie , or a journalist who wrote a brutally honest blog.

Thank you for extending me the grace that I did not extend to you.

I need to take my own advice. Think twice, write once.

Moving forward,

Julie

A confident, beautiful, strong, not always so friendly  ”fattie” who is eating some humble pie.

Dear Maura Kelly, (an open letter)

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Revision:

After exchanging several personal emails with Maura Kelly, the author of the article, I realized how I was a fool, a hypocrite and how wrong I was to write the letter that is below. I am now eating some humble pie. Read the revised open letter here.

Dear Maura Kelly,

This is an open letter I am writing to you in response to your article in Marie Claire, titled,

Should “Fatties” Get a Room? (Even on TV?)

I can’t believe someone who I never knew existed before today, could provoke such a reaction. I want to scream. I want to cry. I feel bad for you and I would want to give you a hug, if I didn’t want to strangle you.

But seriously, what were you thinking? Your own “point, counter-point” style of writing indicates that you knew that what you were writing was not appropriate. Especially for a woman’s magazine.

And not only was it not appropriate, it was just cruel, condescending,  insensitive, and flat-out incorrect. And I would be more “brutally honest”, if I wasn’t so taken back, and offended by your ignorant “brutal honesty”. Maura, that was the only accurate statement in your article,  it was brutal.

I won’t go into all of my emotional reactions to your statements. I won’t engage you in the playground bullying.

But I will say this.

After a rant of defending the often unattainable, and often unhealthy “naturally slim” model you boldly state; “No one who is as fat as Mike and Molly can be healthy.” I have never seen the show. So,I don’t know how “fat” these actors and actresses are. But I know that even since losing weight I am fat. And Maura, I want to inform you, that I am 100% healthy. Just this past summer, I had a full exam. Full Blood work, thyroid tests, liver tests, who knows what they tested my urine for, cholesterol, EKG, an ultrasound of my heart, lungs, abdomen. Breathing tests.  I have lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, and am healthier than one of my best friends, who weighs more than 100 pounds less than me.

If you want to encourage someone to lose weight, or be healthier, spouting off nutrition information would go alot further out of love and compassion, not after offending, degrading, and verbally bitch-slapping people.

Think twice, write once, and you will find yourself more humble, and more helpful. Don’t worry the humble pie you are now being forced to eat, doesn’t have any calories.

Moving forward,

Julie

A confident, beautiful, strong, friendly,  “fattie”,  who feels pretty.

update: This wasn’t just an open rant. I did send this letter to Maura Kelly, who has printed an apology, and a retraction on her article. She actually even replied to my email.

You’re right Julie–encouraging someone to lose weight is one thing, and insulting people is another. I feel really sad that I’ve hurt so many people, including you. I really do apologize.

-maura

Down the rabbit-hole I go….

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Yes, I’m a Red Pill Kinda Girl.

Ugh… That’s how I feel about it all right now. Ugh….

My head feels like it’s about to explode.

Organic it is. It’s better for me, and better for the Earth, even if it can be more pricey.

Organic it is. Then I got my first organic Red Pepper in my little local Organic buying club delivery – and it was from Holland.

Yes, Holland. As in The Netherlands.

Dark Green Below, East of Spain. North of the boot.

Reminder: I am in West Palm Beach, FL. USA… Allll the way over in the insert.

Over 4,500 miles my lil’ Red Pepper traveled.

What did my lil’ Pepper have to go through to get here from Holland?

Did it take a plane, a train, a boat, a bus?

Doesn’t all of that add up with for our “Green” footprint?

Does the 4,500 mile travel make USDA Organic “worth it”?

Is that why it costs SO MUCH MORE?!?!

And about that SO MUCH MORE… Sometimes it is reasonable. It’s not that much more. I can justify buying Organic if the cost difference is reasonable to me.

It’s healthier.

It’s better.

It’s reasonable.

But is the fact that to increase my food budget to be Organic and healthier I had to cut down my giving to help feed others, “reasonable”?

Is it “reasonable” that 1 in 6 Americans struggle with hunger?

Is it “reasonable” that there is a term of being “food-insecure” meaning not knowing where your next meal is coming from?

Is it “reasonable” that the children I work with through Urban Youth Impact go to bed hungry at night?

My lil’ Red Pepper.

It’s Organic.

And it’s given me a headache.

Ugh.

Red Pill Kinda Girl.

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After watching Food Inc. I start frantically texting my friends little nuggets of “new” information that I had learned.

“You should’ve chosen the blue pill ” John and Nattie tell me.

Huh?

It’s a reference from The Matrix.

No, I have  never seen it. Yes, I know, it came out over 10 years ago. NO, I’m not kidding you.

So, I watch The Matrix.  It was a very intense, thought provoking movie for me.

My head feels like it is about to explode.

And shouldn’t it? Everything I ever thought I knew about food has been wrong. And what about all the stuff I never even thought to think about?

Organic local foods, imported apples from China, vegan, animal cruelty, genetically modified, hormonally enhanced,  government subsidiary, farming, high frutose corn syrup, Foodborne Illness, Nutritional Labels on Restaurant Food, Diabetes and Obesity, Factory Farming,  Genetic Engineering, Pesticides, The Global Food Crisis, Monsanto….

“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

twirling down the rabbit hole….. and moving forward,

Julie

Between insanity and sailing

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Putting my oars down is beautiful, poetic, freeing,  and inspiring.

Practical? Not so much.

I would love it if this blog was about how I am loving sailing. But, it’s not.

I still row. Every moment of my days are planned ahead of time. Every. Moment.

Now as I row there is a huge difference.  I am frustrated and tired for I know I should be sailing.

Every. Moment.

So, back to sailing?  What does that look like practically? Just dropping all oars all at once?

Leaving Urban Youth Impact before the end of the school year and breaking my commitment to my girls, and to the staff?

Leaving Starbucks and losing my insurance and my “thoughtless” part-time job?

Leaving Miss Flo, who I love, care for, and live with?

No combination of those options are viable.

So here I row. Somewhere between insanity and sailing.

Row. Row. Row your boat….

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I row. And row. And row.

I work three jobs. I have to make money.Sure, I paid off all my credit card debt, but I still owe someone, something. I must have insurance. I must have money to give if someone needs something. I want to travel to Denver. I need to buy a new bed. I need to buy a bicycle. I have to go to the doctors. I need. I want. I have to. I must.

So I row and I get up before 4am and work until almost 7 at night and am in bed by 10, sometimes 8, unless I am swept into another late night conversation. Somewhere in the in between I meet with friends for intentional accountability. I pour into the lives of young women. I try to be Christ to those “in the world”. I read. I write. I try to eat better. I try to work out more. I try to have “quiet time”.

I row. And row. And row. My oars seem to be attached to my calloused hands.

It’s not very “gently down the stream” either. There are relationships that have been neglected. I don’t answer all my calls or texts. I’m so busy. They have to understand. If they only knew what I was really going through. But I can’t tell them. They need to talk to me about them. I can’t talk to my mentor about it. I’ve avoided her for months. Plus I don’t have time for me. I emotionally shut down. I lash out and focus in. I analyze until I am paralyzed. I can’t take a day off for rest. I can’t take care of myself, that’s selfish.

I row. And row. And row.

Two or so years ago God gave me a big dream.

He must be talking to me about someone else. I’m too much. I’m not enough. I won’t handle success right. I’ll fall into lust again. I’ll mismanage my money. People will think I am crazy. I’ll be rejected. I can’t do this. I’m too broken. Too hurt.

But God, look at all I do now. Doesn’t it make you happy? I’m in ministry, I live beneath my means, even beneath my potential. Yes, I am tired. Yes, exhausted. Yes, I am only giving others my drips from an empty cup that should be filled and overflowing. Yes, I’m hiding out. But, God.

If I am going to move forward? How can I do it?

That’s it. Add MORE. Do more.Work more. Save more. Give more. Be more. More. More. More. Row more!!

So I row. And row. And row. Faster. More.

And as I start to feel a fresh old familiar wind at my back, it starts moving me forward.

But, I’m confused. Clutching my oars, I row more. Faster. More.

Gently and sweetly, He raises the sails and says, “Jules, put your oars down.”

What?

“Jules, put your oars down.”

But, God, can’t you see, I’m moving myself  forward. Gripping tighter.  I row more. Faster. More.

“Jules, put your oars down. Can’t you see? You’re on a sail boat.”

But God.

“Put them down…”

But I have to…

“Put them down…”

But I need to…

“Put them down….”

But…

“Jules… I’m moving you forward.”

Giving Thanks Paid in Full Nov26

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I stood there sobbing on the phone.

She said it again “Miss Stein your debt is paid in full”

I sobbed not only in celebration of the freedom of bondage to American Express for the first time in 8 years – but I sobbed because it is a glimpse of the eternal significance of being Paid In Full.

One day I will stand in judgement and God will say “Julie, your debt is Paid in Full”

My debt of sin is so great, and the wages of sin is death.

Unlike my budgeting and cutting back to be able to pay back my debt to one my creditors and then being released from my obligation because I kept the terms, no amount of good works would have ever been enough to cover my debt of sin to God.

My salvation is by God’s Grace, through faith. It is all in Christ.

 
For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.
 
For by Him all things were created, {both} in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities–all things have been created through Him and for Him.
 
He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
 
He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.
 
For it was the {Father’s} good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, {I say,} whether things on earth or things in heaven.
 
And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, {engaged} in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach– if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

 

This world is not my home. And although I can be glad about almost being debt free here on earth. I hope it never determines my joy – and that through trial or triumph I never loose an eternal focus of Christ.

And for that I give thanks.

Giving Thanks I have a job Nov11

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Today was an insane day, Starbucks training in Boca, then off to Urban Youth Impact…..but I was reminded of my purpose.

 

Today, I am thankful to have a job. With such an unstable economy, and being hired in during one of Starbucks most turbulent times, I am thankful.

 

It’s not much. Not even 20 hours most weeks since I have been there for the past 2 months. It’s the least I have made in over 12 years. The tips in cash each week are just enough for me to get gas to and from work, and my check is finally almost enough to cover my bills.  But soon I will have medical dental and optical for the first time in almost 2 years. And it’s a great company to work for. 

 

In training today I had to answer “Who would you have coffee with, and why?”

 

“Phil Knight – founder of Nike… because I want to talk to him about my dream…..”

 

During our break I had a few people ask me to elaborate, and I did, I got to share my purpose… and as I write this I am reminded that for now, this is just my manna on the way to my promised land….

 

It’s meant to be my “What is this” just enough for today – don’t hoard for tomorrow. Keep one foot in front of the other, keep focused on the goal, don’t get comfortable. Be obedient. God is providing on the way there.

 

Today I am thankful that God is my provider. Not my plans, not my schemes and that after having my application on file for a year and a half, Starbucks called me, and that He shines through me there.

 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.

But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other You cannot serve God and wealth.  

 For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,

yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’

For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

–Jesus (Matthew 6)

Giving Thanks Sticks and Stones Nov10

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“Sticks and stones may break my bones…. but words will never hurt me”

So many times I have said that – and I wished it was true…

The truth is that words do hurt, and can leave scars worse than any broken bones.

 

I am thankful for the middle school students who made fun of me today, and for being made fun so much when I was growing up.

 

I realized about a year ago that much of the compassion and empathy I have to offer not only these girls I work with, but other women, comes from feeling so blasted, torn down, and rejected. Because I have never had any no social collateral to  offer. I have always known who my true friends have been.

 

God has been gracious and has been rebuilding me, with humility.

 

What was meant for evil – God has turned into good, for His purpose, and His glory.

 

He is restoring the years the locusts have stolen.