Tag: reality

Somewhere between Wrecked and Reality

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I’ve been guilty of Depraved Indifference.

If you haven’t read it – I’ll sum it up.

I don’t know how or when but I have started to care more about my “I’m a victim” pity parties or how the chickens that lay my free-range cage-free eggs are treated than I have cared about children I know are starving, sold into slavery, orphaned and other heinous things.

Now now, I know that I am helping children “here” and that I am not doing any of those terrible things to those children “over there”.

I also know that not doing anything wrong is not the same as doing something right.

Here are some of the thoughts that have been coming to mind.

What if we had a caste system in America and I was an untouchable?

What if that was my daughter searching the slums for food?

What if my basic needs could be met by someone who wasted a little bit less and gave a little bit more?

Right now I am somewhere between wrecked and reality. Somewhere between selling all I have to move across the world to love on the “least of these” and the fallacy of the “American Dream”.

Ok, that was a tad bit over dramatic and not at all accurate, but it sounded good in my head.

I don’t think that I am supposed to move across the world – at least not any time soon! I know very clearly what my assignment is right now. It’s right here, boldly advocating for my residents living with Alzheimer’s, and loving the friends I have been entrusted with.

So, dramatic statements aside…What does mean for me, right here right now?

Let’s rewind about 2 years: I was more generous when I was a “broke” barista relying on tips for gas money.  Now making more than double in salary,  I have become the most important thing to spend waste my money on. If I wasn’t so ashamed I would actually tell you how much I have spent on coffee alone.. or at Chick-fil-A… or, or, or….

Does this mean that I can never enjoy another Grande, 2 pump, Soy,  Extra Foam, No Whip, No Pumpkin Powder, Add Cinnamon Dolce Powder, Pumpkin Spice Latte?*

Nope. I can. And I will. It is fall(-ish) for goodness sake!

It simply means being more mindful of how I spend my time, money, mental and emotional energy.

Not depriving myself of everything I enjoy but sacrificing somethings, more things, to bring joy and life to others both “here” and “over there”.

Less going out, more cooking at home. Less Pinterest, more prayer. Less pity-party more perspective inspiring  passion. Being more thankful and hopefully alot less whining during my current “assignment” – no matter how unhappy I think I am.  Less mindlessness, more meditation. Less consuming, more giving.

One decision at a time – balancing. Or at least trying to.

*(Yes, that is “my” drink – don’t judge me. I am a princess and will have my latte exactly how I like it if I am paying $4 for it.)

Down the rabbit-hole I go….

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Yes, I’m a Red Pill Kinda Girl.

Ugh… That’s how I feel about it all right now. Ugh….

My head feels like it’s about to explode.

Organic it is. It’s better for me, and better for the Earth, even if it can be more pricey.

Organic it is. Then I got my first organic Red Pepper in my little local Organic buying club delivery – and it was from Holland.

Yes, Holland. As in The Netherlands.

Dark Green Below, East of Spain. North of the boot.

Reminder: I am in West Palm Beach, FL. USA… Allll the way over in the insert.

Over 4,500 miles my lil’ Red Pepper traveled.

What did my lil’ Pepper have to go through to get here from Holland?

Did it take a plane, a train, a boat, a bus?

Doesn’t all of that add up with for our “Green” footprint?

Does the 4,500 mile travel make USDA Organic “worth it”?

Is that why it costs SO MUCH MORE?!?!

And about that SO MUCH MORE… Sometimes it is reasonable. It’s not that much more. I can justify buying Organic if the cost difference is reasonable to me.

It’s healthier.

It’s better.

It’s reasonable.

But is the fact that to increase my food budget to be Organic and healthier I had to cut down my giving to help feed others, “reasonable”?

Is it “reasonable” that 1 in 6 Americans struggle with hunger?

Is it “reasonable” that there is a term of being “food-insecure” meaning not knowing where your next meal is coming from?

Is it “reasonable” that the children I work with through Urban Youth Impact go to bed hungry at night?

My lil’ Red Pepper.

It’s Organic.

And it’s given me a headache.

Ugh.

Awww Heck….

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My life is filled with moments that are totally unscripted, hilarious, and may only happen to me. Everyday, it’s something. Everyday.

Whathadhappenedwas….

I’m spending a beautiful Saturday morning doing our windows. Now, this is not a complaint. With the view and lala.com providing me with unlimited Jack Johnson, I was having a wonderful morning.

I did promise Miss Flo at one point over the past year that I wouldn’t go out onto the ledge and do the windows, and I admit, I did that for a moment this morning to clear the streaks… but that’s not the point.

Whathadhappenedwas….

I’m almost done with all 18 windows/doors  in the front. Getting ready to do the last one in the kitchen. I unlock the windows, put my bucket on the counter, start to open the window, must have forgotten to latch it open. And I specifically remember day dreaming listening to Jack Johnson. How I would love to see him in concert, in Hawaii, who each song reminds me of, how I love the lyrics, how I could drink some fruity drink out of a coconut, how I don’t mind doing the windows here, ohh it’s beautiful here, I love the beach, I can’t believe I live here, It’s so better than Cleveland, how I liked him when I was still in Cleveland, before he was “anybody”, what it would like to be married to him, and then remembering he is married…………..

SPLASH…..  5 gallons of water… everywhere… Counters, cabinets, floors… everywhere…

Including on Miss Flo’s kitchen t.v. that I was freaking out that I would get electrocuted for trying to unplug.

Whoopsie Daisy.

Online suicide…

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Every so often I go through these phases where I just want to kill my MySpace, now facebook.

 

I was talking to my friend Jessica yesterday about her recent online semi-suicide, and it reminded me of a blog written ironically by someone I don’t even know in real life.. read it here

 

MySpace, Friendster, facebook, now twitter, What benefit do these sites offer? I find myself again caught up in the insecurities of middle school. People passive aggressively or flirtatiously moving another up and down on their top eight, based on a whim or an argument. (fyi, mine is, and has been in alphabetical order for almost 3 years now, same people, same spots) and the fact that I explained that – and have had to when asked in the past, is exactly what this blog is about.

 

Do these sites really encourage the community that we find ourselves longing for?
Unfortunately, I don’t think so. I think that they encourage laziness in nurturing relationships and frankly – they drive me crazy…

Sure, it “connects” us, about as much as window shopping “connects” me with that outfit at City Place. Walking by without making the commitment.

 

I have found myself wasting more time than I would care to admit, basically stalking people. Ok, stalking might sound creepy, and mightbe an exaggeration. But if you are reading this then most likely I have read your profile, and the conversations through comments you have had. I have thought about who commented what on what picture, and decided that they were flirting with you, and that you were buying their cheap flirtations when they comment on your site. I have judged profile pictures, and who tags who on what. I have found out about budding relationships, bitter break-ups, pregnancies, birthdays, you name it, I have read about it on a MySpace profile or blog, and then never having the conversations about it that community requires and my heart desires. 

I will spare you the details of the night that I found the profile of an old “friend” (“friend ” meaning totally dysfunctional nonrelationship that consumed my late teen-aged years and formed how I react to men, and helped solidify my fear of rejection) from almost ten years ago, and my reaction over reaction, to who he was dating.

 I have let myself get sick in my head over it…

 

Every part of me wants to be connected to a community. But then when I step back and realize that it is all smoke and mirrors. I realize it just sucks…

 

What would happen if I committed online suicide? What relationships would fail because when I stopping carrying them I would realize that it’s a one-sided relationship? Who would make an effort to find me? And how long would they take? I think I already know the answers…

 

A part of me would like to believe that I can “redeem” all of these issues, and make it about encouraging people and writing more, being more intentional, all the flowery and poetic bologna I could sell you… but to be honest, I haven’t and I won’t… it will start off that way, and shortly I will find myself link hopping, or seeking approval through affirmation in your comments… getting nothing done.

 

A larger part of me knows that I just need to pick up the phone, turn of the computer, and go outside to play… 

 

Getting a grip,

Julie

Dream BIG…

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We have a “D.R.E.A.M.pledge” acronym at Urban Youth Impact we say with the kids when they are at the Dream Center… everyday…

It starts with “Dream Big”…  we want every student to know that God has a plan and purpose for their life, and that they should dare to Dream Big, beyond the shadows of sin that are cast on their lives from others bad choices…

About two weeks ago I started feeling like a hypocrite, actually in February after a staff retreat the feeling started but with a  crazy emotional funk I was in, I didn’t realize it.

So we tell the kids to Dream Big everyday…. and I have been dreading them asking me what my dream is, because it is a big one, and I haven’t been faithful.

In one week I celebrated the ministry anniversaries of both of my “bosses” -10 years for  Lewis Nelms, founder of Gospelink, and 20 years for Bill Hobbs, founder of Urban Youth Impact .

For a week I was surrounded by celebration of God’s faithfulness and provision as these men walked in faith and obedience to the call on their lives. Stories of lives changed beyond what we can see.  I was overwhelmed and inspired. Encouraged. Spurred on, and reminded of my dream that I have put on the back burner.

I have been so afraid to tell people about my dream, and I am so sick of myself for making decisions or holding myself back because I am convinced of what other peple will think. Which in my mind is never good – terrible actually.

I didn’t want people to think that  I don’t love being “Miss Julie”.. because I do. I love seeing when one of the girls actually “gets it”, I love the hugs and laughter, drying the tears,  I even love when the kids hate me because I know they know better, and hold them to a higher standard.

I love it. But it’s not my dream.

So I decided to tell Bill about it.   I was so nervous talking to the man whose ministry I am planning on coming on full time missionary staff with. I was so afraid, I think I even just blurted it out – inhale, speak, and there it was. And Bill’s eyes lit up…  He didn’t think that I was saying I wanted to leave Urban Youth Impact, He didn’t think I was crazy, He didn’t think that I was a bad Christian for what my dream is. He embraced me, literally and figuratively.

I am starting to really believe that my dream can and will be a reality. It’s not about success as much as it is about faithfulness….

I know that I will regret it for the rest of my life for wasting what I feel God has given me…

So here I am – dreaming big, and making dreams my reality.