Online suicide…

Every so often I go through these phases where I just want to kill my MySpace, now facebook.

 

I was talking to my friend Jessica yesterday about her recent online semi-suicide, and it reminded me of a blog written ironically by someone I don’t even know in real life.. read it here

 

MySpace, Friendster, facebook, now twitter, What benefit do these sites offer? I find myself again caught up in the insecurities of middle school. People passive aggressively or flirtatiously moving another up and down on their top eight, based on a whim or an argument. (fyi, mine is, and has been in alphabetical order for almost 3 years now, same people, same spots) and the fact that I explained that – and have had to when asked in the past, is exactly what this blog is about.

 

Do these sites really encourage the community that we find ourselves longing for?
Unfortunately, I don’t think so. I think that they encourage laziness in nurturing relationships and frankly – they drive me crazy…

Sure, it “connects” us, about as much as window shopping “connects” me with that outfit at City Place. Walking by without making the commitment.

 

I have found myself wasting more time than I would care to admit, basically stalking people. Ok, stalking might sound creepy, and mightbe an exaggeration. But if you are reading this then most likely I have read your profile, and the conversations through comments you have had. I have thought about who commented what on what picture, and decided that they were flirting with you, and that you were buying their cheap flirtations when they comment on your site. I have judged profile pictures, and who tags who on what. I have found out about budding relationships, bitter break-ups, pregnancies, birthdays, you name it, I have read about it on a MySpace profile or blog, and then never having the conversations about it that community requires and my heart desires. 

I will spare you the details of the night that I found the profile of an old “friend” (“friend ” meaning totally dysfunctional nonrelationship that consumed my late teen-aged years and formed how I react to men, and helped solidify my fear of rejection) from almost ten years ago, and my reaction over reaction, to who he was dating.

 I have let myself get sick in my head over it…

 

Every part of me wants to be connected to a community. But then when I step back and realize that it is all smoke and mirrors. I realize it just sucks…

 

What would happen if I committed online suicide? What relationships would fail because when I stopping carrying them I would realize that it’s a one-sided relationship? Who would make an effort to find me? And how long would they take? I think I already know the answers…

 

A part of me would like to believe that I can “redeem” all of these issues, and make it about encouraging people and writing more, being more intentional, all the flowery and poetic bologna I could sell you… but to be honest, I haven’t and I won’t… it will start off that way, and shortly I will find myself link hopping, or seeking approval through affirmation in your comments… getting nothing done.

 

A larger part of me knows that I just need to pick up the phone, turn of the computer, and go outside to play… 

 

Getting a grip,

Julie

6 thoughts on “Online suicide…

  1. Amy says:

    YAY! You have put into words what I have been feeling for a while. When I found myself crying because an online “acquaintance” (who I don’t even like) didn’t have my blog listed on her LONG list of fav blogs, (even though she reads my blog ALL THE TIME) I knew something was wrong. So I changed my URL and didn’t tell anyone except my family. :) Suicide…

  2. tawny says:

    Oh man, I hope you are still alive because I just found your blog and I like it! :) I loved, loved, loved what you did to those verses in Corinthians (I am pretty sure it was corinthians, I read it a couple days ago and stuck you in my reader to come back later and read somemore, when I was bored like now because my family is all playing Lego Indiana Jones, now I found out you might be DEAD :) ) I have only been blogging since March and I do know what you are saying. I don’t have a blogroll, so I don’t have those sorts of decisions to make and I really mostly write for my friends in real life (I have it delivered to their email and they like it, I am sure ;) ) I do pout when I don’t get ANY comments but so far, that is the most drama I have had. I think the blogrolls might be the most pressuresome part.

    2 cents from a stranger :)

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