Tag: Faith vs. Fear

Humble Pie, an open letter to Maura Kelly

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photo credit: flickr.com/photos/cobalt/

Dear Maura,

While playing on Facebook this morning, I noticed that a fellow blogger, journalist for the Palm Beach Post , and a friend who I know slightly in real life, but mostly through Facebook, blogs and emails , Leslie Gray Streeter had posted a link to your now infamous article.

Just last night in my “life of love” group this bible verse was brought up.

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. (Prov 29:11)

I obviously didn’t retain that. Or represent a “life of love”.  So, I vented, and I foolishly wrote you an open letter. I was so proud of myself. I had said most of what I wanted to say while trying not to attack you personally.   “You” became that voice in my head that told me I was fat an ugly and disgusting my whole life, and I finally had “your” email address. I had finally told off  the girl who always picked on me, the voice that never left me. I was even interviewed for The Palm Beach Post. My friends rallied around me.

They told me how beautiful I am.

They told me I was a great writer.

They told me I was witty.

They told me I was snarky.

Then, I was told I was mean. (I did say I would hug you if I didn’t want to strangle you. Ouch.)

Much to my surprise, you responded personally, in humility. You told me I was right. And very few times have I ever felt so very wrong.  We have since exchanged several emails. You told me of people who have told you to go hang yourself.  How sad you are and how you have spent your time  today responding personally to most emails. As of this letter, you have over 2,200 comments, on the Marie Claire site alone.  That is one heck of a bad day for you. I didn’t see that. I needed to be heard. I kicked you while you were down, and snidely offered you calorie-free humble pie.

I have apologized to you privately, and would now like to do it publicly.

I am sorry.  I was wrong. I was the jerk, and hypocrite. I have contacted Leslie and tried to unring my bell. Telling her that I am your advocate, and you are not my enemy. I have forwarded her our correspondence so she could also see a glimpse of the repentant you, and the true foolish me. I have responded to comments telling them, I was wrong.

I realized that  it’s easy for us to write about someone not realize that we are talking about an actual person, whether a fattie , or a journalist who wrote a brutally honest blog.

Thank you for extending me the grace that I did not extend to you.

I need to take my own advice. Think twice, write once.

Moving forward,

Julie

A confident, beautiful, strong, not always so friendly  ”fattie” who is eating some humble pie.

Between insanity and sailing

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Putting my oars down is beautiful, poetic, freeing,  and inspiring.

Practical? Not so much.

I would love it if this blog was about how I am loving sailing. But, it’s not.

I still row. Every moment of my days are planned ahead of time. Every. Moment.

Now as I row there is a huge difference.  I am frustrated and tired for I know I should be sailing.

Every. Moment.

So, back to sailing?  What does that look like practically? Just dropping all oars all at once?

Leaving Urban Youth Impact before the end of the school year and breaking my commitment to my girls, and to the staff?

Leaving Starbucks and losing my insurance and my “thoughtless” part-time job?

Leaving Miss Flo, who I love, care for, and live with?

No combination of those options are viable.

So here I row. Somewhere between insanity and sailing.

Row. Row. Row your boat….

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I row. And row. And row.

I work three jobs. I have to make money.Sure, I paid off all my credit card debt, but I still owe someone, something. I must have insurance. I must have money to give if someone needs something. I want to travel to Denver. I need to buy a new bed. I need to buy a bicycle. I have to go to the doctors. I need. I want. I have to. I must.

So I row and I get up before 4am and work until almost 7 at night and am in bed by 10, sometimes 8, unless I am swept into another late night conversation. Somewhere in the in between I meet with friends for intentional accountability. I pour into the lives of young women. I try to be Christ to those “in the world”. I read. I write. I try to eat better. I try to work out more. I try to have “quiet time”.

I row. And row. And row. My oars seem to be attached to my calloused hands.

It’s not very “gently down the stream” either. There are relationships that have been neglected. I don’t answer all my calls or texts. I’m so busy. They have to understand. If they only knew what I was really going through. But I can’t tell them. They need to talk to me about them. I can’t talk to my mentor about it. I’ve avoided her for months. Plus I don’t have time for me. I emotionally shut down. I lash out and focus in. I analyze until I am paralyzed. I can’t take a day off for rest. I can’t take care of myself, that’s selfish.

I row. And row. And row.

Two or so years ago God gave me a big dream.

He must be talking to me about someone else. I’m too much. I’m not enough. I won’t handle success right. I’ll fall into lust again. I’ll mismanage my money. People will think I am crazy. I’ll be rejected. I can’t do this. I’m too broken. Too hurt.

But God, look at all I do now. Doesn’t it make you happy? I’m in ministry, I live beneath my means, even beneath my potential. Yes, I am tired. Yes, exhausted. Yes, I am only giving others my drips from an empty cup that should be filled and overflowing. Yes, I’m hiding out. But, God.

If I am going to move forward? How can I do it?

That’s it. Add MORE. Do more.Work more. Save more. Give more. Be more. More. More. More. Row more!!

So I row. And row. And row. Faster. More.

And as I start to feel a fresh old familiar wind at my back, it starts moving me forward.

But, I’m confused. Clutching my oars, I row more. Faster. More.

Gently and sweetly, He raises the sails and says, “Jules, put your oars down.”

What?

“Jules, put your oars down.”

But, God, can’t you see, I’m moving myself  forward. Gripping tighter.  I row more. Faster. More.

“Jules, put your oars down. Can’t you see? You’re on a sail boat.”

But God.

“Put them down…”

But I have to…

“Put them down…”

But I need to…

“Put them down….”

But…

“Jules… I’m moving you forward.”

Happy New Year !!

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Okay, Okay I know that January is almost over.

Happy New Year !

Have you ever had a feeling like, this is my year…..this is it, MY year?

I have that feeling, and it’s exhilarating.

And the best part about it is that there are no New Year’s  resolutions, no lofty to do lists, no unrealistic expectations, no self-perpetuated stress.

And guess what? It’s been the best January yet.  At the end of the month, I am just as encouraged and motivated as I was in December.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still have goals, and I have been moving forward on my Big Dream. But it’s not forced or manipulated.

When your have to’s become your want to’s, there is freedom.

How true is that in our spiritual life too?  When we keep the laws with a motivation of love, and not performance based works, or guilt or obligation or shame. So much freedom.  And “good” works flow from that, not from striving or achieving.

I’m glad that this year, I have been blessed with a better grasp on Grace.

I know it’s slightly out of context. But this verse further encouraged me today.

2 Corinthians 8:8-12
I speak not by commandment, but I am testing the sincerity of your love by the diligence of others. For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich.

And in this I give advice: It is to your advantage not only to be doing what you began and were desiring to do a year ago; but now you also must complete the doing of it; that as there was a readiness to desire it, so there also may be a completion out of what you have. For if there is first a willing mind, it is accepted according to what one has, and not according to what he does not have.

With readiness to desire it, and moving forward to completion,

Julie

Giving Thanks 2009

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So, I pretty much feel like a slacker. I have so much to be thankful for, and my “month of giving thanks” is starting as the month is coming to an end. 

 

The last thing that my life needs is something to be legalistic about. Feeling that I must write “because”…..

 

I refuse to have something that I love become a miserable noose.

 

So, I’ve been laying low over here at julieUnscripted. It’s been a bittersweet combination of living life and not writing about it, joy and frustration, complete chaos in the midst of the most consistent schedule I have ever had.  Having less possessions and  less money than ever, being more mindful of the kingdom of God, yet somehow finding myself more complete . And then there is being out of, into, and back out of my “fat pants”.

 

Plus my computer’s hard drive died.

 

Today, I am thankful that we were created for community. Thankful that I need you, and that you need me to be real and vulnerable, and that you embrace me, my mess, but don’t let me stay there. I am thankful that you are still here. Thankful that you are still checking in.   Thankful for friends who refuse to leave me to myself and refuse to let me shut down and become a recluse. Friends who pull me closer, even as I shove away.  Thankful for those whom I have never met encouraging me. 

 

Let’s hug.

 

And we can all be thankful that one day I will have an editor who will correct my grammar, and unsplit my infinitives, yet still let me be me.

 

 

Philippians 1

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, 4always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you all,  5in view of your participation in the gospel from the first day until now.

 6For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

 7For it is only right for me to feel this way about you all, because I have you in my heart, since both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers of grace with me.

 8For God is my witness, how I long for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus.

 9And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment,  10so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ;  11having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Not just another butterfly.

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butterfly

Yes, it’s small. Yes, it’s girlie. But this is not just another butterfly tattoo.


You see, I love butterflies.  I read this story over ten years ago, and since then butterflies have become a symbol of my faith and my struggles in it.

I would never imagine seeing a butterfly trying to cram her way back into that cocoon. That’s simply ridiculous !

When I look at my butterfly I want to be reminded of the transformation and regeneration Christ has done in my life.

Below are just a few scriptures that I am encouraged by with thoughts of my butterfly.

Do you have any you would like to share?

Revelation 21:5

And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new ” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” ( HE makes all things, not somethings, not just improved, NEW)

2 Corinthians 5:17

17Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. ( old things are passed away, a butterfly can never ever go back into the cocoon and regress to be a caterpillar)

Philippians 1:6

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (He began the good work in me, he will perfect it, it’s a process that continues “until the day of Christ Jesus”)

Ephesians 2

Made Alive in Christ

1And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, 2in which you formerly walked according to the course of  this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience.

3Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest.

4But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6and raised us up with Him, and  seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

8For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;  9not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.

10For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

Titus 3:3-7

3 For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another.

4But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, 5He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,  6whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior,  7so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

“How does one become a butterfly?” she [a caterpillar] asked pensively. [the butterfly replied] “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar. What looks like you will die, but what’s really you will still live. Life is changed, not taken away.” Trina Paulus, author, “Hope for the Flowers.”

Moving Forward,

Julie

Ohh and also, thanks to Matt over at Ink Link Tattoos, I am sure you could do something more elaborate and artsy, but you did exactly what I wanted.

If you are in the West Palm Beach area, and are interested in getting a tat, call Ink Link! 561.712.9009 !!

The BIG Dream… part 2

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It’s pathetic that it’s been three months since I’ve written on this…

All summer I said to myself, and to my faithful and frustrated friends,

“When I have time to work on it, then I will….”

 

For the past year I would say that I have been stuck in the “when….. then…..” trap

When my debt gets paid off, then…..

When I work less hours, then….

When I make more per hour, then….

When I believe in me, then….

When more people who don’t know me start believing in me, then…..

When the people who know me an believe in me get so frustrated with me about being all talk and no action that they don’t want to talk to me about it, then…..

When I feel the conviction of the Spirit again, then…

When the Spirit stops convicting me and I freak out about my delayed obedience, then…

 

When When When When When, THEN….

 

My “then” is now…. And you no what?

None of the “whens” that have trapped me have happened… And I see now that if and when they did… they would quickly be replaced by some other “when, then” that I would hide behind in fear.

 

Talk to me, I know you’re reading. And I know I’m not the only one who was trapped by her “When, thens”

What are your goals?

What do you know or think that God asking you to do?

What are your “When, thens” that have trapped you?

Are you ready to choose faith over fear?