Trust me, it’s a good thing  I haven’t blogged in over a year. I unknowingly spared you from the self-focused, woe is me, screwed over, victim of corporate, too much month-not enough money, navel gazing “I want, I need, I earned, I deserve” train of thought that thankfully came to a screeching halt yesterday.

A representative from Gospel for Asia came to speak at my church. He passionately pleaded the cause of the orphan and widow, he showed a video, quoted Matthew 9 citing how Jesus had compassion and took action, and how the workers are few.

And…. My heart was broken and I am selling everything I have and moving to India or Africa and giving my life to missions!!  I totally zoned out.

Please understand, none of this was new. I worked for Gospelink. I’ve seen the videos of pastors going through flood waters on their bikes, orphans being served their  daily “meals”,  mud huts people make into homes. Having friends that are missionaries, I’ve heard stories. I’ve cried tears. I used to care. I made it a prayerful and financial priority in my life to right the wrongs. I was focused on telling anyone who asked how they could help too.

I zoned out only because I just couldn’t (and can’t) shake a phrase said by my pastor.

He said it flippantly, only once, having to ask a friend sitting in the front row for the correct phrasing: “Depraved Indifference”.

Was.

“Depraved Indifference”

Worked.

“Depraved Indifference”

Seen.

“Depraved Indifference”

Heard.

“Depraved Indifference”

Cried.

“Depraved Indifference”

Used to.

“Depraved Indifference”

Made.

“Depraved Indifference”

Focused.

“Depraved Indifference”

All past tense.

Over and over and over again it shouts : “Depraved Indifference”.

Depraved Indifference: conduct that is so wanton, so deficient in a moral sense of concern, so lacking in regard for the life or lives of others, and so blameworthy as to warrant the same criminal liability as that which the law imposes upon a person who intentionally causes a crime.

Here I sit: Me. “Mother Teresa Incarnate”. (As a prosecuting attorney cross-examining me once said.) Julie Stein.

Here I  sit: Comfortable. Complacent.

Here I sit: Julie Stein, GUILTY of Depraved Indifference.

Knowing of the wrong doing that is happening, having excess funds to help stop it and doing nothing.

Found as guilty, as liable, as those intentionally committing heinous crimes.

Here I sit: humbled, wrecked, and hopefully changed.