Giving Thanks Paid in Full Nov26

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I stood there sobbing on the phone.

She said it again “Miss Stein your debt is paid in full”

I sobbed not only in celebration of the freedom of bondage to American Express for the first time in 8 years – but I sobbed because it is a glimpse of the eternal significance of being Paid In Full.

One day I will stand in judgement and God will say “Julie, your debt is Paid in Full”

My debt of sin is so great, and the wages of sin is death.

Unlike my budgeting and cutting back to be able to pay back my debt to one my creditors and then being released from my obligation because I kept the terms, no amount of good works would have ever been enough to cover my debt of sin to God.

My salvation is by God’s Grace, through faith. It is all in Christ.

 
For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.
 
For by Him all things were created, {both} in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities–all things have been created through Him and for Him.
 
He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
 
He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.
 
For it was the {Father’s} good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, {I say,} whether things on earth or things in heaven.
 
And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, {engaged} in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach– if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

 

This world is not my home. And although I can be glad about almost being debt free here on earth. I hope it never determines my joy – and that through trial or triumph I never loose an eternal focus of Christ.

And for that I give thanks.

Giving Thanks Cornucopia Nov24

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cornucopia:  A hodge podge of plenty

In order to catch up with myself. Here is a cornucopia.

Perspective: All this AND Jesus too?

Being a part of a biblically based church and Bible Study.

Laughter.

Adrianne: (Changes on Palm Beach Lakes 561.683.1000) blessing me with a haircut – all the rest went to Locks of Love

The humbling honesty, patience, and unconditional love of true friends.

People supporting me in my training for the Race for Faith, weight loss and other life goals.

Paid in Full. (will be it’s own blog soon)

Getting a promotion at Starbucks.

Turning off the air – and sleeping with the windows open. And being “so cold” when it is 70 out.

Being back in the black.

 

More to come……

Giving Thanks Garbage Picking Nov13

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Ok so not really garbage picking but recycle bin by the mailbox picking… I may get slightly obsessed.

 

RaceTrac gas station just remodeled, and they sent a coupon, and I noticed that many of my neighbors just “recycled” their coupons…  so for about 3 or so days last month, I would go through the recycle bins, and take out the coupons.

 

One sheet has a coupon for a free sandwich, a free hot dog, a free slushie, and a buy one get one free hot cookie coupon.

 

For about three years I have been saying I need to put together little food zip lock baggies to give out for people who request money at the intersections……  best of intentions, never happened… 

 

So I am glad now that I have an abundance of coupons to share with people.

 

That’s what I am thankful for today…. recycled bin picking…….. and being able to help provide from someone elses “recycled”

Giving Thanks Ohio Nov12

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Ohio.

I miss my family, and I miss my friends, and I miss my home, and the snow, well at least that first day with the pretty glisten and icicles.

I have never missed a Christmas with my family, and they are generous to bring me home again this year !!

I will be in Ohio… Soon…. I am excited.. and that is what I am giving thanks for today…..count1

Giving Thanks I have a job Nov11

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Today was an insane day, Starbucks training in Boca, then off to Urban Youth Impact…..but I was reminded of my purpose.

 

Today, I am thankful to have a job. With such an unstable economy, and being hired in during one of Starbucks most turbulent times, I am thankful.

 

It’s not much. Not even 20 hours most weeks since I have been there for the past 2 months. It’s the least I have made in over 12 years. The tips in cash each week are just enough for me to get gas to and from work, and my check is finally almost enough to cover my bills.  But soon I will have medical dental and optical for the first time in almost 2 years. And it’s a great company to work for. 

 

In training today I had to answer “Who would you have coffee with, and why?”

 

“Phil Knight – founder of Nike… because I want to talk to him about my dream…..”

 

During our break I had a few people ask me to elaborate, and I did, I got to share my purpose… and as I write this I am reminded that for now, this is just my manna on the way to my promised land….

 

It’s meant to be my “What is this” just enough for today – don’t hoard for tomorrow. Keep one foot in front of the other, keep focused on the goal, don’t get comfortable. Be obedient. God is providing on the way there.

 

Today I am thankful that God is my provider. Not my plans, not my schemes and that after having my application on file for a year and a half, Starbucks called me, and that He shines through me there.

 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.

But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other You cannot serve God and wealth.  

 For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,

yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’

For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

–Jesus (Matthew 6)

Giving Thanks Sticks and Stones Nov10

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“Sticks and stones may break my bones…. but words will never hurt me”

So many times I have said that – and I wished it was true…

The truth is that words do hurt, and can leave scars worse than any broken bones.

 

I am thankful for the middle school students who made fun of me today, and for being made fun so much when I was growing up.

 

I realized about a year ago that much of the compassion and empathy I have to offer not only these girls I work with, but other women, comes from feeling so blasted, torn down, and rejected. Because I have never had any no social collateral to  offer. I have always known who my true friends have been.

 

God has been gracious and has been rebuilding me, with humility.

 

What was meant for evil – God has turned into good, for His purpose, and His glory.

 

He is restoring the years the locusts have stolen.

Giving Thanks Whoopsie Nov9

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So I was feeling confident that first day, five days ago, that every day this month I would blog about what I have been thankful for…

I’ve been thinking about it alot…but haven’t blogged about it at all..  

Today I am thankful for Sundays… Going to church, relaxing, not running around all crazy from place to place “doing what I need to do” to “do what needs to get done”….

Not being lazy….  just not being all crazy….

Giving Thanks day one america

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I saw this on a blogthat references another blog who is doing a series on what they are thankful for throughout the month of November.

I’m stealingborrowing the idea  and  from now until Thanksgiving I will daily Give Thanks for how God has demonstrated His goodness in my life. These wil not be in any order, just what I feel thankful for on whatever day.

Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.  (James 1:17)

Today, I am thankful to be an American.

I have the freedom to worship in public, and in private without having to hide my faith, or fear death because of it.

I have clean water, a roof over my head, food in my stomach. And Internet, and TV, with cable, and a cell phone, and radio. And, And, And,

I have a military who is, and has been, protecting our rights, and lives for generations.

I have a right to vote. (Even though I couldn’t find my voters card, had to change my address when I got to the voters precinct, and didn’t research much on the ballot other than the presidential candiates and the constitutional amendment to keep marriage defined as one man and one woman.)

Race and gender no longer determine elegibility to vote.

I don’t go to bed afraid of bombings or gun fighting out side my home.

Safe roads. 

Good education.

 

It is only by God’s grace and sovernighty that I was born in this country. I don’t take this lightly.

“Everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.”  – Jesus  (Luke 12:48)

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. “ – Jesus (Matthew 6:19-20)

Thankful to be in America, not only because we are blessed, but because out of these resources we can be vessels of hope for others.

May I always be thankful, but never have a heart that hoards.

 

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Emotional Porn

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If men are visual, which they are,  and if women are emotional, which they are….then chick flicks are indeed emotional porn… and I am a recovering from an addiction…

As I type this, Pretty Woman is playing in the background….

Sleepless in Seattle, Serendipity, Sweet Home Alabama, City of Angels, The Notebook, Titanic, The Holiday, The Wedding Planner, Maid in Manhattan, The Wedding Date, My Best Friends Wedding, The Runaway Bride, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,  You’ve Got Mail, Notting Hill, Return to Me, Dirty Dancing, Hope Floats, Bridget Jones…. and I would be bold enough to say that we start our girls early on any Disney movie…

Displaying the most unrealistic of senerios, Porn, and for the sake of this blog, emotional porn, help form the most unrealistic of expectations, placing in our heads thoughts and ideas that may have never formed if we would have only stayed away…potentially impacting any current or future relationship, leaving us to wonder and think, “What if” and “If Only”….  

Distorting reality….. each movie more ridiculous than the next… it doesn’t even need to make a ding dong bit of sense, just make me cry and whirl me into an emotional state of discontentment, and you dear chick flick are a great movie….  the more I cry, the better… and the next movie needs to be even more dramatic to make me cry yet again….

Just as men are warned to guard their minds against the images of pornography, I would give women the same charge, we need to guard our hearts against these unrealistic expectations, and a completely diluted and warped view of what love is, and what is romantic….

I wonder how much reality I am missing because I am still waiting for Matthew McConaughey to save my life from a rolling dumpster….

Still reconsidering her “entertainment”,

Julie

Lazy

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So this morning I woke up, and went back to bed…

 

I knew I was just being lazy by not working out, and then by not putting my laundry away, then by not doing my hair all cute for work, or putting in my contacts…. 

 

I actually felt like a had a voice in my head today that was just saying “Lazy”.. each choice, and there was that voice… “Lazy”…

 

Then out of the blue a friend called me and left a message:

 

“Hey Jules, It’s me… I was just at the beach thinking that sometimes I make excuses, but I am just being lazy…  I don’t know if you ever do that… but I do…  Do you?”

 

POW….. how’s that for some not so subtle confirmation…

 

I really think that sometimes I don’t need to pray about  if I should do something or not, or need encouragement about things I know I should do because  that cruel honesty of it is sometimes, I am just being lazy…

 

How do you get over that?

 

(Aside from prayer about it  and encouragement, that is….)

Where’s MY Bailout?

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So I don’t claim to understand everything about Economics…

Here’s what I do know – even though I want one…  Bailouts are a bad idea….

 

Whathadhappened was.. 

When I was 17 my dad co-signed on a “Junior Loan” for me from his credit union so I could get a car….

 

Then, when I was 18, the credit card offers came flooding in… My parents warned me about credit cards, I didn’t listen… Add to that a few years of wild spending and living outside my means…  I was thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in debt…

 

My mom, with the best of intentions, bailed me out….. every last penny… paid off…. 

 

I, with another stern warning from my parents, and a lack of self control, quickly ran up my debt (and then some) again….

 

Then one night at sevenoseven Dan Burgoyne preached on “radical amputation”, how if something is causing you to sin, you need to be radical, and cut it out of your life…. to not just band-aid your sin, but to cut it out…

 

I knew my overspending money I didn’t have was a sin… so that next Sunday I cut up all of my credit cards, laid them at the altar, and haven’t used credit since (with the exception of my Ballysmembership which was a huge interest rate to finance through Ballys)

That was in May of 2004…

 

When I moved to Florida in September of 2004 with I think over $20,000 in debt, I signed up for a credit repayment program that took my insane interest rates and cut them all down to under 10% with no late fees or anything

 

I’ve been paying $350 a month since then…. just for my credit cards…

 

There have been a few mini-bailouts from my parents when I wasn’t working or was just short of making my bills for a month… and amazing provision from God, and generosity of my friends….

 

But I celebrate every time a credit card statement comes in…. most of my cards are paid off, and the ones that aren’t will be soon…

 

Another bailout would not have taught me responsibility…

 

I live within my means…I buy what I need…. and if I want it, I have to count the cost and make the sacrifice…. Sometimes I get stuck without what I need, because I got something I wanted… 

 

I have not been able to go on some trips, or to the movies, or out to dinner sometimes, but when I do go, or get to do these things, I make sure to enjoy it !

 

I still mismanage my money sometimes… I forget when stuff is due, or when it is going to be taken out of my bank account,  and I even cried a few months ago when money was tight and wished I could just put gas on a credit card….

 

But the credit card debt season of my life is almost over with life lessons learned and self-control gained, and a bailout couldn’t have offered me that….

 

Even though, to be honest…  I think I’ve learned my lessons, so a bailout at this point is more than welcome…. and I really want to be bailed out from my tax debt since they considered me a business and I was so not a business… but that’s another blog for another day….

The BIG Dream… part 2

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It’s pathetic that it’s been three months since I’ve written on this…

All summer I said to myself, and to my faithful and frustrated friends,

“When I have time to work on it, then I will….”

 

For the past year I would say that I have been stuck in the “when….. then…..” trap

When my debt gets paid off, then…..

When I work less hours, then….

When I make more per hour, then….

When I believe in me, then….

When more people who don’t know me start believing in me, then…..

When the people who know me an believe in me get so frustrated with me about being all talk and no action that they don’t want to talk to me about it, then…..

When I feel the conviction of the Spirit again, then…

When the Spirit stops convicting me and I freak out about my delayed obedience, then…

 

When When When When When, THEN….

 

My “then” is now…. And you no what?

None of the “whens” that have trapped me have happened… And I see now that if and when they did… they would quickly be replaced by some other “when, then” that I would hide behind in fear.

 

Talk to me, I know you’re reading. And I know I’m not the only one who was trapped by her “When, thens”

What are your goals?

What do you know or think that God asking you to do?

What are your “When, thens” that have trapped you?

Are you ready to choose faith over fear?

Awww Heck… The Ants Edition

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(I don’t know what happened to “Part One” of the Awww Heck Posts but Part Two is here … So I don’t know if this would be Part Three if there never was really ever a Part One)

 

Ok, so if you have ever met me, you know I have a few labels that apply to me…

 

Emotional, Dramatic Expressive, Tender, Sensitive, So So loving….But I am indeed an over thinker …

 

So we were having a small ant issue at the house… not really a big deal… until today…

They are these little winged ants who seemed to like to call my bedroom home… it’s gross to think about ants in my very clean and bright and never having food in it bedroom and even though they weren’t reallybothering anything… I decided to “take care of it” yesterday…  After some researching on Google I learned that they were indeed ants and not termites (FYI – ants have a thorax or abdomen or something) I had to decide to either bug bomb (which may not kill the queen) or just put out a gel (which little worker ants take back to the little ant village to kill the queen)….  I put out the gel, and nonwinged ants came out of the woodwork, literally… lots of um… the winged ants had no interest in the gel…

I know what you are thinking, what does this have to do with being emotional?

Well, yesterday, although I was fascinated by watching the ants eat the gel, and “talk” to each other.. I felt bad…

AND THEN TODAY… I had a bunch of dead ants in my bright and clean bedroom, little worker ants who obviously did not make it to feed the queen the poison, but that’s not all – there were alive ants and you wanna know what they were doing? Nope, not eating the gel…. they were lifting and carrying the dead ants back into the floorboards to take them to the little ant village…

How stinking sad is that?

 

Note to you, my friend and/or reader of other things that I don’t like because they make me so so sad, for real…

  • The Zoo
  • Sea World
  • Butterfly World
  • Fish Tanks

I am sure there are more… but I am getting too sad thinking about it…..

Lists….

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Today is going to be a productive day.. in theory…

I am at Panera, and my lists are ready, some are still in my head, most have actually made it to paper…

I have Race for Faith list, a Gospelink list, a Just Do It list, a to-do it list, a shopping list, a list of things that are being sold on eBay, a list of bills I need to pay, a list of people I really should be praying for,  a list of people to schedule quality time with, a list of people to call,  a list of people to write, a list of blogs I want to write, a list of video blogs I want to record,  a list of things that I need to put on my calendar, a list of books I want to read and get from the library, a list of books I want to sell on Amazon, a list of things that I need to find….

not how it’s supposed to be….

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On Labor Day, Christen, Danne and I went to the gym… it was such a long 40 minutes for me.. and it’s no secret that I hate the gym… 

 

Last night I “worked-out” with the Wii fit…  I hula hooped, and ran in place, watching the TV as I was chasing another Mii and then a virtual dog… it was fun and stuff, but…

 

Today, though I live not 10 minutes from the beach… I went swimming in a pool….

 

We have traded in so many great things, for cheap substitutes…

real fruit juice for Kool-Aid

real contact for Poking people on Facebook

Intimacy for Pornography

Real Conversation for Text Messages

Hand Written letters for email or wall comments

 

It’s just not how it’s supposed to be….

My computer & Me…

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take 2 .. a  Facebook Application ate my blog…

My computer & me…

American …

Overheats easily….

The lightest “complexion” of the girls…

Can’t multitask without shutting down…

Always thinks it has a virus… and doesn’t…

Is bottom heavy…

disclaimer: silly blog post written to distract me from writing the more emotionally charged blog about how I resigned from my job because I was using it as an crutch and excuse to not follow my dreams, even though I love my job.. and how God is uprooting all the lies that I have believed, and have steered me since forever… and how….. silly blog post… distraction…

Will you marry me?

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So girls will be girls…

and last night, we were girls…

A few of us were talking about me, and this one guy…. as an “us”….

 

Now, I have never even really entertained the possibility of me marrying that guy, I am convinced of all of the reasons why it would never work plus I have already planned his future with another woman in my mind, … nice of me, huh?

 

So last night I was up thinking about why not me and him… as an “us”?

 

And here is the spiritual dilemma that came from my noodle twirling last night…

 

Last night Danne and I watched Semi-Pro with Will Ferrell, and although it was raunchy in some most parts, and we actually skipped a section of the movie because of that raunch…  I thought it was a pretty funny movie….

 

To be honest I really laugh at and enjoy some movies that I know I shouldn’t…

 

I could never see myself, laying on the couch with that guy, watching those movies… I feel like I would be defiling him, and I would feel shame and embarrassment….

 

And here goes the noodle…  I was thinking Julie, Do you really believe God’s word?

Ok – stay with me here….

 

If I really believe not only that God is always with me, ever-present, but that Christ does dwell in me… would I watch those movies?

 

The answer, of course, is definitely not….

Letting myself be entertained by what God is not honored in… and disgusted by??

 

And am I not already called a part of the Bride of Christ ?

 

I am already an “us” with Him!

 

Reconsidering her “entertainment”,

Julie

well, hello…

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well, hello there,

 

I talked to my dad about you yesterday.. how I go to the little blog stats and see how you found me.. He was amused, you’ll hear more from him later……  it’s pretty interesting how you found me… kind of odd…

 

there is no rhyme or reason, and how you found me is about as random as what I write… sometimes serious, sometimes silly….

 

Look up, and to the right…  the tabs “how my noodle twirls” is just an “about me”, and “old writings” are well old writings quasi imported from MySpace…. if you are wandering around and get lost, just click on julieUNSCRIPTED and it will bring you back here safe..

 

Look to the right… those are some of my friends, and a few people I don’t even know and are either friends of friends, or random people…. if you scroll over them, there is an identifier as to how I know them, or don’t know them…

 

so welcome to my little home here on the web… make your self cozy…

 

ohhh and  if you have something to say, just leave a comment, or you can email me at julieunscripted@gmail.com

Flowers, just because…

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There are alot of flowers in our house these days…. My roommate Danne just had some pretty major surgery last week…  a good reason for all of the “flowers”…

 

I love flowers but to be honest, I am not usually a fan of “flowers”… Especially on specific days… Birthdays, Valentine’s Day… I think it’s too easy and not very thoughtful….

 

In the winter I was going through a funk, I had just returned from Denver where my friend Marty was having a baby shower in celebration of her first child, my dad was in Ohio in and out and back into the hospital with some serious thing that no one could figure out what it was then pneumonia from being in the hospital, I was spending weeks at a time nannying for a large family that was grieving the loss of a child, I was praying though following my dreams vs. entering into full-time ministry and the frosting on the cake was that I had no matches on EHarmony….

 

There were days that I didn’t even want to get out of bed, and didn’t… I was going into work late, leaving work early, not eating, not working out, not going out.. I didn’t tell many people everything that was going on.. I shut off… I have friends telling me to go to counseling, that I was too busy, that I was doing to much, that I wasn’t doing enough… I even had one friend say “It’s been long enough – snap out of it”

 

Things started turning back to “normal”, some time had passed, then the flowers came, on some random day, and they were just perfect…  They were little yellow roses that match my room and my bedroom set….

 

All the card said was:

“Thinking of you Psalm 139:17-18    Love, Jesus”

 

I dried the flowers, and they sit on my bedside table.

 

They are a reminder that I am loved by others (even if I will thankfully never know who they are from) and that I am loved by God…

 

Just because….

The BIG Dream….

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Thanks to a Bible Study last night where we talked about how God’s creation praises Him by simply doing what it was created to do paired with some extra motivation, and just the fact that if I don’t, I never will …. I am letting the cat completely out of the bag..

I haven’t answered the questions when asked what it is….

I have avoided talking about it, even though when I am excited about it I have a fire in my bones…

I have eluded to this, and if you have read all of my “old writings” you know what this dream is….

I have been thinking about this since April of 07, and writing about it in a separate blog since last June…

 

Ohh how my noodle twirls ..
I am going to market myself to Nike .. I want to be a spokesperson for them, and be a public speaker…

I want it to be my platform to let people know that they were created to live a full life … not to be stuck in fat and being unhealthy… I can see it – and I can visualize it –

Here’s the thoughts behind it…
Ok – so Dove has been doing the real women campaign.. they are getting major PR points from it – and it’s been amazing for them – and then there is the subway Jarrod guy – again just a regular person who has redeveloped a brand — not to even touch the obesity statistics in our country… we are being robbed of our lives..

So my thought is that if Nike’s slogan is “Just do it” – What is the thing that keeps women (and men, and children) in this country unhealthy ?

NOT DOING IT…
We don’t need fad diets and we don’t need a magic pill, and we sure as heck don’t need studies telling us that weight gain is all genetic -This all came about Kristen and I were walking on the beach…. we were making all of these plans to bike this many miles a day to the beach, and then walk for x amount of miles, then bike….. and classic Kristen… she says “Dude, you need to just do it”..

We need to JUST DO IT – we know that broccoli is more healthy than chocolate and that salad is better than pizza and that even just walking for an hour is better than sitting and watching TV ..
It would be pictures of me, and journals, videos as I am losing weight ….. something like below…
No excuses – Just do it
No fad diets – Just do it
Nothing Holding you back – just do it  and so on and so on and so on

I tried contacting Nike and they deferred me to their ad agency – and their ad agency dumped me in some fake voice mail that they won’t take any outside ideas .. I have some ideas on how to get it out there… but again I need to stop talking about it and Just Do It!!

With or without Nike involvement – I have still been inspired and called to action…
I am going to continue lose all of my extra weight anyways so why not communicate to and encourage others to do the same??

 

WHY??

“I believe that if Jesus can save the world from sin, he could surely help me lose my rear end.” – Dana Littleton 

Let’s try some honesty shall we?

This isn’t just about fat vs. skinny… this is about life.. and living..

I want to live the life that I know that I was created not born, not raised, not wanted to, CREATED to live… and I want you to live that life too… I want to encourage and inspire and communicate…

I want to be able to play the sports I love to play, but I don’t because I can’t keep up, or am out of breath way before other people are even warmed up…

I want to not have to pretend to that I don’t like roller coasters because I am afraid of whether or not the seat belt will shut right…

I want to go into a store and buy an outfit because it’s cute and looks good on me – not just because it’s the only thing that fits..

I want to be able to walk into a restaurant and not analyze the seating arrangement, not nudge the table away from me and not hide inside my thoughts thinking that everyone is judging me on what I decide to eat or drink…

I want to… do a cartwheel… go kayaking… climb a mountain, or at least a really big rock… run on the beach… get a piggy back ride…

I want to see the captives set free… and I want to sing songs of joy and songs of victory with them…

Please continue to pray for me… I know that this idea is from God, and I have not been faithful, actually I have been quite lazy about it… 

Whew….. Let’s see what happens shall we?

Julie

Found….

You found my safe little place on here by searching for my name and details about me …

I don’t wonder about you as often as I used to…

When there is a number I don’t know on my caller I.D. … I wonder if it’s you … I get excited… though I know even before picking up it isn’t you, why isn’t it you?

But I know, I know that we have nothing to talk about… other than that I loved you, and you decided it was over, we never talked about it or even talked again and I was left to process it all alone … and you are gone..

Why haven’t you called?

I didn’t understand it then, and I still don’t… How could I? Not giving me the reason has caused more pain then you just saying it…

Do I need you to tell me you made a mistake? Do I need to tell you about the nights I cried myself to sleep? Or how I keep every man at arms length and treat him as though he was responsible for the pain that I went through? Or how I don’t have guy friends because that’s how we started, and my heart wasn’t guarded then, and I am still afraid now? Do I need to hear you tell me you are sorry?

No – I need you to stop haunting me… don’t look for me.. by you I don’t want to be found…

seriously?

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I was almost, and should be sleeping and was on Cathi’s blog.. then on Mark’s blog

where I saw this:: we all can do our part & look stylish while doing good …

What is that you ask? A bracelet? A napkin ring? A something or other?

NO! It’s a coffee cup don’t burn your hand-er….and a bracelet..

excerpt from veer.com (merch) where you can buy it for only $65 ….

“Answer the siren call of the coffee shop in style. When your drink is called, the Coffee Cuff slips off your wrist and onto your cup, taking the place of a cardboard sleeve. Your hand stays cool and so does your environmental footprint – Coffee Cuffs are shaped by hand from reclaimed black walnut veneer. Designed by Contexture”

Is this for real?

Like seriously?

I should be sleeping….

Divine Intervention….

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5pm… I already dropped off the girls who were helping me today – I had been at work for quite a bit today(understatement).. cleaning and getting ready for a busy summer..

I was thinking about how I really needed to get home and work on my “me” stuff- that was at 6pm..

6:15… I eat dinner at my desk – fat free ham and cheddar cheese, heated in the microwave… while working

6:30…all of the High School Bible Study girls came – Nattie and Holly, and even Roxy – Holly’s Jack Russell Terrier were there… alot of hustle and bustle… I’m still working…

6:45… I am writing out my “to-do” list for tomorrow…

7:15… I am doing my “to-do” list for tomorrow… still thinking about how I need to maintain boundaries and go home

7:16… I call Roxy over to me…

7:16… Roxy pees on my lap…

7:16… I drive home

8:19… I’m home – laundry done, showered.

Divine Intervention

Thanks Roxy Roo!!

Not dead… but wounded…

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I have not committed online suicide, I am still writing, but bear with me I am wounded….

Since California I am coming to realize how very wounded I am. These wounds sometimes direct my thoughts and my actions.

 

God is so good and so gracious to heal these wounds, and bring them to my attention just one at a time. Just like an accident victim looking down to see her own blood, God is gracious to not allow me to go into shock.

 

Growing up without Jesus in the home, a mom who is the child of an alcoholic, an alcoholic father, a promiscuous sister, and being overweight since my earliest memories of kindergarten – I have had some wounds.

 

With all family wounds aside (that’s another blog for another day – a blog about the ongoing process of healing and restoration), I have been picked on verbally, deliberately socially excluded in ways that I would know it was happening, intentionally called the wrong name, beat up on the bus and the playground – I could continue, but I refuse.

 

Some of my wounds are self-inflicted. I gossip, slander, overeat, oversleep, doubt myself, doubt my God, withhold love from those who have harmed me, I keep an account of wrongs, I am insecure, I am a hypocrite. I could go on – but I refuse. 

 

Each action, like a blade in the flesh of not my body, but the body of Christ. Wounded.

 

This blog is not about the wounds that have affected me in every area of my life – financially, relationally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and physically.

As Chris Tress would say “Stop Bellygazing” (looking down at our own faults) and look up!

 

This blog is about my Healer, my Hope, my Reconciliation, my great Physician – the Lover of my soul, my Creator, my Father, my Comfort, my ONLY Hope.

 

Yesterday we were having a time of prayer at Urban Youth Impact (how thankful I am to serve with those who seek the Lord) and Nattie’s husband, John, my coworker and friend, led us in worship – I could sing this song all day – and be somewhat accurate if I could find it on ITunes…

Balm of Gilead

You’re the rock of the ages
You’re the balm of Gilead
Make us strong and courageous
Heal the wounds that we’ve had
(Repeat)

We need Your Spirit
We need freedom
We need Your Spirit
We need freedom
We need You

You’re the counselor from heaven
You’re my bright and morning star
You bring comfort and protection
Shine Your light in my heart
(Repeat)

I need Your Spirit
I need freedom
I need Your Spirit
I need freedom
I need You

 

Last night I heard something great – this guy said, “Stop listening to yourself, and start talking to yourself”

Here is me talking to myself, and God talking to me through His perfect Word.

 

Isaiah 42:3 (read the whole chapter for some refreshing! As always, it’s even more powerful in context)

  A bruised reed he will not break,
       and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
       In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

Joel 2

Isaiah 61:1-3 (speaking of Jesus)

 1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners,

 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,

 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.

 

Philippians 1:6

being confident (not doubting, not wavering, not fearful – confident) of this, that he (not me) who began (the author and finisher of my faith)  a good work (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11 ) in you will (not maybe, not thinking about it, not “ehh if I get around to it”) carry it on to completion (all done, followed through, perfected, “IT IS FINISHED”) until the day (it’s a process) of Christ Jesus.

 

He is doing the good work….  if I was in surgery, would I be talking to, or aggressively questioning the surgeon? Would I be waking up? I need to heed the advice in Psalm 46..

Psalm 46:10

10 “Be still (it’s a choice, just be, still… not squirmy just.. be… still…), and know (not  think, not doubt, know) that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Slowing down to let the Healer heal,

Julie

Online suicide…

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Every so often I go through these phases where I just want to kill my MySpace, now facebook.

 

I was talking to my friend Jessica yesterday about her recent online semi-suicide, and it reminded me of a blog written ironically by someone I don’t even know in real life.. read it here

 

MySpace, Friendster, facebook, now twitter, What benefit do these sites offer? I find myself again caught up in the insecurities of middle school. People passive aggressively or flirtatiously moving another up and down on their top eight, based on a whim or an argument. (fyi, mine is, and has been in alphabetical order for almost 3 years now, same people, same spots) and the fact that I explained that – and have had to when asked in the past, is exactly what this blog is about.

 

Do these sites really encourage the community that we find ourselves longing for?
Unfortunately, I don’t think so. I think that they encourage laziness in nurturing relationships and frankly – they drive me crazy…

Sure, it “connects” us, about as much as window shopping “connects” me with that outfit at City Place. Walking by without making the commitment.

 

I have found myself wasting more time than I would care to admit, basically stalking people. Ok, stalking might sound creepy, and mightbe an exaggeration. But if you are reading this then most likely I have read your profile, and the conversations through comments you have had. I have thought about who commented what on what picture, and decided that they were flirting with you, and that you were buying their cheap flirtations when they comment on your site. I have judged profile pictures, and who tags who on what. I have found out about budding relationships, bitter break-ups, pregnancies, birthdays, you name it, I have read about it on a MySpace profile or blog, and then never having the conversations about it that community requires and my heart desires. 

I will spare you the details of the night that I found the profile of an old “friend” (“friend ” meaning totally dysfunctional nonrelationship that consumed my late teen-aged years and formed how I react to men, and helped solidify my fear of rejection) from almost ten years ago, and my reaction over reaction, to who he was dating.

 I have let myself get sick in my head over it…

 

Every part of me wants to be connected to a community. But then when I step back and realize that it is all smoke and mirrors. I realize it just sucks…

 

What would happen if I committed online suicide? What relationships would fail because when I stopping carrying them I would realize that it’s a one-sided relationship? Who would make an effort to find me? And how long would they take? I think I already know the answers…

 

A part of me would like to believe that I can “redeem” all of these issues, and make it about encouraging people and writing more, being more intentional, all the flowery and poetic bologna I could sell you… but to be honest, I haven’t and I won’t… it will start off that way, and shortly I will find myself link hopping, or seeking approval through affirmation in your comments… getting nothing done.

 

A larger part of me knows that I just need to pick up the phone, turn of the computer, and go outside to play… 

 

Getting a grip,

Julie

What’s wrong with this picture?

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Don’t worry  “doomsday Julie” is not coming out to play – but this makes me wonder how long can/will withhold His wrath from this insanity?

These are all real headlines from DrudgeReport – right NOW !

GOOGLE WANTS YOUR MEDICAL RECORDS
MR. BUMP: Pictures of pregnant man doing gardening!
UK scientists get green light for half animal, half human embryos…
Boy, 12, faces drunken driving charge after crash…
Funeral Home For Pets Has Viewing Areas, Services…
Toll reaches more than 71,000 dead… ‘Disaster fatigue’ leads to drop in giving…
God lacks gender in new prayer book…

Julie’s random roller coaster… california edition….

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This week I have been in LA for an Urban Youth Workers Institute conference 

Right now I am supposed to be writing in my new free Living the Legacy  journal about my time here and putting together a practical plan to “Living the Legacy” , but I am blogging instead because if I think about anything important at this point, I just might cry again today…

Just know that my brain is fried and I have had no time to process or reflect the real stuff  intentionally, I have been going from breakfast to small workshop to big main session to small workshop to lunch to small workshop to big main session to small workshop to dinner to small workshop to big main session  to worship to “bed” for the past several days, I hardly know what day it is, I haven’t had my phone with me all week, I have been sick from being sick last week plus interesting food adventures, jet lag never set in… it’s well past midnight west coast time, and I leave in 4 hours and my brain is spinning, and I don’t feel like sleeping…..

buckle up, and enjoy the ride on Julie’s random roller coaster… California edition..

Why did I need to stop in North Carolina to get to California?

I think the “glamour” of LA is all media hype. Wrong judgement I’ve been told, it was based on just visiting the airport …

California is beautiful…. mountains, and soft grass, and purple flowered trees, and roses everywhere.. I am growing to appreciate the smell of Gardenia, and Jasmine…

I love In-and-Out Burger, so much so that we had it almost everyday here, it’s inexpensive and the toasted bun won me over…. but there is a reason I know it is called In-and-Out Burger, and it has nothing to do with quick customer service…. They have bible verses on their wrappers, and I am ok with that because they don’t sell clothing that I think is slightly skanky and put a bible verse on the bag, and I have a critical heart sometimes…

I took my silver ring off of my left hand ring finger and put it on my right hand because I didn’t want Mr. “you could be my husband because you love Jesus and love kids and you are here so you must be someone who might be my husband” guy wouldn’t think that I am married… and then I refused to go to speed dating…

I almost really got a tattoo tonight… 

I am becoming that girl who carries her Nalgene bottle around with her so I always have water (thanks to Sharon for always remembering what seat it was under)…

This lip balm I got was certified 58% Organic… I don’t even know what that means…

I like being barefooted so much that I am getting ok with my feet being dirty even though I scrub them, and I am almost ok with me thinking that other people maybe thinking that I am dirty because my feet are “dirty”… I’m not, even if they “are”

I over packed books because I didn’t consider that I wouldn’t have time to read…

I under packed clothes because I didn’t consider that I spill stuff on myself every time I eat…

All leadership books are 90% the same just refonted and repackaged… when the people who keep buying them start implementing them – then what?

I went from “losing” the free books we accumulated, to having extra?

I will eat almost anything if it is free, even a few dry nonoatmeal raisin cookies.

I think that it is wonderful when guys hold doors open for women, really hold them open not a kinda just keep it from hitting you as I storm through, and I told some random young guy that today that I appreciated real gentlemen, he smiled and kinda chuckled.

I think I talk to every person I make good eye contact with, or feel like talking to for whatever whim moves me at that moment. I love making contact with people, and making them smile, or laugh.

I ate Mexican soup with pig skin in it, and by ate, I mean a spoonful, and will never again, and by never I mean unless that’s what God’s plan is, and I hope not, at least the soggy, slimy, chewy pig skin and intestine part.

A speaker guy dropped the F-bomb in one of the sessions, and it wasn’t vulgar,or slang, or just because, and I am ok with it, even though I know God is refining my speech, and it was “impure”…

I want to be free from my ethic dilemmas in my head –  thinking I am bad for my thinking it is ok for a “Christian Speaker Guy” to drop an F bomb, but I have a problem that there were burned CDs in the prayer room, of signed copy-written Christian music, with a label on it “Leave in here, if you want your own copy of this CD email blah@blahblah.com”…

I have alot of “issues” about non-essentials, for what I think are good reasons – but I don’t want to die fighting the wrong battles, on the wrong hills.

I want to start journaling, for real – this time.

I don’t know what happens in my head from filling in the blank on sermon notes, to the notes in the margin, it would be neat to see a map of how my brain fire-wires these connections that are profound to me.

I need to re-write, and reprocess, and reread notes so soon after things like this, because I know that if I had written down what I knew to be true from God to me through conferences or sermons in the past, I wouldn’t have to revisit the same thing over and over.

I am sick of the carousel, as beautiful as the horses are, I am sick of the circle, and want take a ride on paths of those before me and trail blaze a new one for others to follow.

Ok this is getting to not fluffy for tonight…

Awww Heck….here’s what happens – part 2…

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Well, it happens often, the “awww heck” moment… Here is another glimpse into how my noodle twirls…

It’s after 11 … I am sick… I am leaving for a trip in the morning… I should be sleeping…

Here’s why I am not sleeping…

1) I have been sick the last few days – which means I have been taking medicine… *sigh* I know every time I get sick that I don’t really want to take meds that will make me fall asleep because on day 3 when I don’t want to take the meds again… I won’t be able to fall asleep…. This might have a bit to do with the fact that I never follow the directions on medicine because my logic says that if I weigh more than the average person, I should take that % more meds for it to be effective… and I like when NyQuil or whatever the nighttime med is, knocks me out and I don’t wake up in the middle of the night and be all sick… so tonight – I am sick, and wide awake knowing that if I take my meds tonight – I will be waking up every 20 minutes freaking out that I am missing my plane…

2) I am “packing”…. and here’s what that means… I am going to California, for the weekend, for a conference where I will most likely wear my “Urban Youth Impact” Staff shirt 2 of the 3 days I will be there… I have been “packing” for 4 hours… I pack, do some laundry, then a card fell behind my dresser in my closet, but after taking everything out of my closet and then deciding that I needed to vacuum the closet, then my room, and then the hallway…. the card was not behind the dresser, it was beside it… but now everything is out of my closet and on my bed.. so I am purging… a few shirts here, a pair of shoes there… refolded my sweaters to put them away for the year… rehang the previously mentioned card, and read and re-tape all the other memories in my closet… now things that had been collecting in my closet, are on my bed – I am on the clean edge typing….

Awww heck….

Dream BIG…

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We have a “D.R.E.A.M.pledge” acronym at Urban Youth Impact we say with the kids when they are at the Dream Center… everyday…

It starts with “Dream Big”…  we want every student to know that God has a plan and purpose for their life, and that they should dare to Dream Big, beyond the shadows of sin that are cast on their lives from others bad choices…

About two weeks ago I started feeling like a hypocrite, actually in February after a staff retreat the feeling started but with a  crazy emotional funk I was in, I didn’t realize it.

So we tell the kids to Dream Big everyday…. and I have been dreading them asking me what my dream is, because it is a big one, and I haven’t been faithful.

In one week I celebrated the ministry anniversaries of both of my “bosses” -10 years for  Lewis Nelms, founder of Gospelink, and 20 years for Bill Hobbs, founder of Urban Youth Impact .

For a week I was surrounded by celebration of God’s faithfulness and provision as these men walked in faith and obedience to the call on their lives. Stories of lives changed beyond what we can see.  I was overwhelmed and inspired. Encouraged. Spurred on, and reminded of my dream that I have put on the back burner.

I have been so afraid to tell people about my dream, and I am so sick of myself for making decisions or holding myself back because I am convinced of what other peple will think. Which in my mind is never good – terrible actually.

I didn’t want people to think that  I don’t love being “Miss Julie”.. because I do. I love seeing when one of the girls actually “gets it”, I love the hugs and laughter, drying the tears,  I even love when the kids hate me because I know they know better, and hold them to a higher standard.

I love it. But it’s not my dream.

So I decided to tell Bill about it.   I was so nervous talking to the man whose ministry I am planning on coming on full time missionary staff with. I was so afraid, I think I even just blurted it out – inhale, speak, and there it was. And Bill’s eyes lit up…  He didn’t think that I was saying I wanted to leave Urban Youth Impact, He didn’t think I was crazy, He didn’t think that I was a bad Christian for what my dream is. He embraced me, literally and figuratively.

I am starting to really believe that my dream can and will be a reality. It’s not about success as much as it is about faithfulness….

I know that I will regret it for the rest of my life for wasting what I feel God has given me…

So here I am – dreaming big, and making dreams my reality.